Little bits of random

I've kind of got thoughts that are bouncing around all over the place, so you're getting a little bit of randomness today. I apologize in advance.

** Yesterday (or July 26th, whenever that may have been for you, depending on where you live) marked an anniversary of sorts for the Mad Woman household. We have now lived in New Zealand for an entire year. It could just be me, but this year seems to have just flown by. I still vividly remember the many teary goodbyes with friends and then sobbing at the airport as I bid goodbye to my father. We're happy here though. The kids are settled and having fun, we've both got jobs and we're doing well as a couple and as a family. No regrets! We do miss everyone though!

** One of the things I have noticed as I lose weight is that aside from my clothes fitting differently and The Man starting to look at me in an even more horny manner, if that is at all possible, is that the wrinkles are starting to show. You see, I don't have as much fat to push them out. So, I am starting to look more my age. There's not many wrinkles, but there's a few. This became rather evident last night at a Zumba class. I had gone with Young Friend who is 20. Part way through the class, we were asked to divide into two different groups - one on each side of the room. As we did do, a woman looked me and suggested "you should probably be on the other side of the class from your daughter". I just about swallowed my tongue as I choked on that one! Clearly a bit of makeup and some anti-aging cream is in order!

** Have you seen that episode of The Big Bang Theory where Penny gives Sheldon a ride somewhere and he notices her "check engine" light is on? That was me the other day. It came on as I left a client's house and I drove around for a little while, happily ignoring it, until that episode popped into my head and I decided I couldn't go home and have The Man go all Sheldon on me, so I stopped and had it looked at. Turns out my car was just about COMPLETELY out of oil (as in, not even showing on the dipstick....which I guess makes ME the dipstick) and rather low on water. It's a wonder I manage to survive from day to day.

** I have realised that the spawnlets are never short of amazing one liners to make me giggle. The latest couple?

Girl Spawn talking about how cold it is in the house: "You know Momma, if we had enough hot water bottles, we could have social heating!"

We're pretty sure she means SOLAR heating which of course has nothing to do with hot water bottles, but I suppose she could mean a bunch of naked, social people cuddled up with hot rubber. You never know with her.

Boy Spawn after calling out to us to come and turn his light off for the night: "I'm done reading!!! *pause* Y'know, all this yelling at night is making my breath hurt!"

I tried to tell him that it's his throat but he maintains it is his breath that hurts and not the tube in his neck. I'll have to take his word for it.

** It occurred to me the other day how much I'm beginning to enjoy having women as friends. In the past, I've spent more of my time with guys because they can usually get ready quickly, don't bitch a lot and can skull a beer as fast as I can. But in the last few years, after a couple of drama queens and queen bees were left behind, I have begun to enjoy the company of women a bit more. It's a strange feeling. Really strange. Or maybe it's the women who are strange. Yeah, we'll go with that.

** Would any of you be interested in doing a guest post for me? I'd like to have a guest poster on a semi regular basis and would love if you'd drop me a line. Anything goes!

So, what random thoughts are floating through your brain these days?

Sometimes you just need to close your eyes and dream of a beach

There are just some days when I seriously start to question my sanity. You know those days where it seems like you're going the wrong way against the traffic all freaking day? The days where if your children walk the wrong speed or your husband breathes too fast, the ones where if you have to talk to one more person you are going to silently be digging their eyes out with spoons...in your head of course.

Today was one of those.

7:15 am - Alarm rings. Hit snooze.

7:25 am - Rings again. Stupid machine. Hit snooze again.

7:35 am - Rings. Again. Shit! Now I'm late getting up. Stupid machine. It really needs to be more assertive.

"Kids! Get out of bed. Now."

"No. Now. Not in 10 minutes. Get. Up. NOW!!"

7:45 am - Contemplate a shower but decide that long pants will hide leg stubble, headband will disguise some of the oily (gag) hair, and honestly I don't smell. Much. Get dressed.

"Why aren't you dressed yet? Get dressed! GAH! Are you TRYING to upset me this morning?!"

Thankfully neither of them is dumb enough to answer in the affirmative.

8:00 am - Wonder why The Man is sitting on his arse in the living room instead of making sandwiches. Like he does every other morning. Or pouring their cereal. Like every other morning. Stomp around and make unhappy noises til he does it.

"Would you two PLEASE get yourselves READY?!?!"

8:30 am - Finally. Two kids ready, bags packed, shoes on and heading to the car. Now, where are my keys? You've got to be kidding me. *sigh*

8:45 am - Usher Boy Spawn into his classroom to offer his teacher a rather humble apology for his unusually appalling behaviour yesterday. Beat a hasty retreat before I start to feel worse because she was so disappointed in him as it is not like him. It must be a full moon. On Jupiter.

8:50 am - Head off to see a man about a penis. Can't get iPod to work in the car. Consider throwing a temper tantrum but realise there is not enough room to do this justice, so settle for a loud scream. It's winter. No one can hear me with the windows up. I think.

9:30 - 11 am - Build up my arm muscles maneuvering a 350 pound man around in a hoist & wheelchair. Get wet showering him because he thinks it's bloody hilarious to squirt me with the shower. Ass.

11 am - 12 pm - Visit home to change into some gym clothes and search out yet another pair of dry shoes. Ponder the value of keeping a pair of rubber boots and a raincoat in my car for work but realise it would be cheaper to just clean his false teeth with vinegar.

12:30 - 2:15 pm - Young Friend came with me to the gym. Treadmill tortured me. Rowing machine laughed at me and then made me play some stupid target game that I sucked at. Weights left me feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Dripping in sweat by the time I was done, I needn't have bothered changing my clothes.

2:30 pm - Wet Day early pick up at school. Picked up spawnlets. Joked with Girl Spawn.

"If you've got an orange slip in your bag, you can just start walking home now. Forget getting in the car."

2:35 pm - Watched in horror as Girl Spawn dissolved into tears, spluttering that she didn't want to walk home and she was sorry but she had a RED slip (for REALLY bad behaviour) in her pocket. Apologized, listened to story and got upset.

Turns out, Girl Spawn (8 years old) was assigned work. Got up to sharpen pencil. Took forever doing that. Bell rang for lunch. Off she went. Substitute teacher found her after a while, asked if she'd finished her work, she said "yes" and then remembered that no, she actually hadn't. Sub decided Girl Spawn had been intentionally deceptive and handed her a red slip and 15 minute detention for tomorrow. Also, she didn't get her lunch. At all.

3:00 pm - Decided this punishment was bunk. At most deserved an orange slip for not finishing work on time. Red slips are for bullying, stealing, intentional deception....not forgetfulness on the part of an admittedly unfocused, slow working, procrastinator. Went in search of Principal.

3:10 pm - Had full on, and majorly embarrassing, meltdown in Principal's office. Big tears. Bigger sobs. Even bigger blush from the humiliation of crying over something so silly. Sue me, I cry when I get mad. And I was mad that it had happened. Slow and daydreamy she is, a liar she is not.

4:00 pm - 5:30 pm - Kids at swim lessons. I quietly read my book until an obnoxious Irish lady approached to tell me that I was sitting in her seat. Really? I'd been sitting there for 20 minutes. Seems she'd gone to help her son change and now she was back and wanted her seat. Fuck you lady. I just cried in the school Principal's office, I am not afraid to bitch you out at the pool. And I'm not moving.

6:00 pm - Home for a much needed shower. Headband is no longer even remotely disguising the oily (gag) hair. And now I do smell. Yum.

6:30 pm - Head off to see a man about an enema. For him. Times three. Not only do I NOT get sprayed with a shower, but I don't get shit on either. Bonus!! Things are looking up.

The rest of the evening went spectacularly. Took me three tries to start my car when I left Enema Guy's house. Almost ran over a cat in the grocery store parking lot though I can't for the life of me figure out where the cat would have come from. No houses nearby. Came home to find Boy Spawn asleep, Girl Spawn tired and grumpy, The Man tired and grumpy and STILL suffering from The Man Flu and the house looking like a bomb site because I haven't had time to do anything today.

So.

How was YOUR day?

Lessons in being cool...trust me, you need them!

I've noticed a few things lately, and I think I need to put on my teacher hat for awhile. So sit back, relax and take some notes people!

Lessons In Being Cool

(or Five Ways to Pretend You're Not As Stupid As You Really Do Look Right At That Moment)

1. When you pull up to the supermarket and realise, just in time, that you have forgotten to bring your purse or wallet with you, do NOT just pull out of your parking space to go home and retrieve it. This will make you look stupid. First, pull out your cellphone, put it to your ear and carry on a conversation with yourself. Anyone watching will be non the wiser. And you can pretend that you've been called away to something urgent, sending your shopping trip to the bottom of your already busy schedule. (Note: If it is summer and you have your windows down, make sure to mute or switch off your phone before attempting this. Should someone happen to call while you are carrying on your fake conversation, you WILL look more stupid than you did already.)

2. If you happen to have gotten from your car, all the way around the store, and made your way to the cash register before realising that you are seriously lacking a way to make payment, then the cashiers will likely be looking at you with contempt as they contemplate the potential ire of the 7 people lined up behind you as you run to look for your wallet. To avoid this, I suggest a solid patting down of your clothing and a good rummage through your purse as you frantically "search" for your wallet, knowing full well it is sitting on your coffee table next to the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels from last night. Once your pretend search is completed, sigh heavily and tell the bored looking teen behind the cash register that your idiot husband must have taken your wallet when he went to go buy his beer and that you'll be screaming at him later. Apologize for his stupidity and assure her you'll be back once you've rammed his head up his ass as punishment.

3. Assuming you were not stupid enough to leave your wallet anywhere, and are still standing at the cash register watching the emo behind the counter bite the nails on her overly polished hands, then you may proceed to the next step - paying. But wait! Emo pauses from her crunchy snack to inform you, loudly, that she's incredibly sorry but your card has been declined. Resist the urge to smack her. Ignore the titters from the people behind you, they're just relieved it's not them. Although you know that it is entirely your fault that there is no money in the account (those jeans were just screaming your name!), the key to avoiding humiliation in this situation is to start cursing your spouse's name. "Stupid man! I can't believe he used the debit card without telling me. AGAIN! Ugh. I can't believe this. What a jackass. He's gonna pay for this" And so on, and so on. Please avoid blushing....this does not lend itself to supporting your credibility.

4. As you walk down the sidewalk and trip over your own feet due to combination of feet the size of boats and a propensity towards clumsiness thanks to a genetic abnormality passed down from your father (known in scientific circles as "Clumsy Ass Syndrome"), do NOT glance around sheepishly and hope that no one noticed you. I guarantee they have. Instead, play cool (that is, after all, the name of the game right?) and look angrily at the ground while simultaneously shouting "Sonofbitch! Stupid city can't get anything fixed! GRR!" and then carry on walking.

5. You've been shopping at a big mall, been to the movies at a giant cinema complex or been to a theme park that isn't smart enough to label its parking lots with easy to see signs. You thought you'd picked out some landmarks but now that you've come back carrying those big bags of new clothes, your damn car seems to have been moved. I have one thing to tell you....Sucks. To. Be. You! Sorry, I have no constructive advice. Unless you have a high tech tracking device on our car that will not only locate you car but guide you to it, you're screwed. And you WILL end up standing in the parking lot, looking around, trying desperately to act like you're just waiting for someone. There is no way out of this one.

Now, I'm not saying that I've ever had an issue with any of these things.....I just thought that some of you could benefit from this knowledge which I came by from watching other people do these things. Not me. Nope. Definitely not me.