Thursday, March 27, 2008

Al-Qaida's got nothing on schools!!

A new form of torture has recently been employed in the house of the Mad Woman. Unfortunately it was inflicted on me. Cold water baths, electrocution, nail pulling and whippings have nothing on the pain that is (dum dum DUM!) Spring Break. Now, don't get all giddy and start picture hot young things in bikinis and swim shorts all drunk and cavorting in Florida. This is elementary school.

Thanks to the poor timing of Easter this year, it coincided horribly with Spring Break and this added extra days to the already dreaded timespan that many of the parents were looking at with trepidation. What on earth would we all do with our spawn home for so long? Is this a test to see if we have any hope of surviving Summer Vacation? If so, many of us failed miserably.

Ash's school was out from the 15th until today. That, for all you budding mathematicians out there, is 12 days. Twelve days of two children under the age of 6 thundering around my house, jumping on my bed at unholy hours of the morning (think 8am) and doing their level best to kill each other in the most creative ways possible. For the first six days I would jump to rescue whichever child was struggling the most and throw the offending party out the top floor window with instructions to "get out and stay out". Once day 7 hit however, all bets were off. You hooligans want to kill each other? Have at it!

This statement was taken far more literally than I had originally anticipated and I would find 40 lbs of son hurtling down the stairs at high speed, while his big sister stood at the top and giggled to herself maniacally. On the flip side, once the son had recovered from his flight, he took great delight in planting himself on top of his sister's chest and using his knees to choke her. All the while, I laid blissfully on the couch reading my book and hoped that they could at least do me the honour of hurting each other equally so I didn't have to hear any "She got more than I did!" comments.

I had hoped that with the arrival of Spring Break, so would arrive the miracle of children sleeping in past 8am. Wishful thinking at its best. For the first week, both of my hellions took great delight in waking up somewhere between 6am and 7:30am. After crawling out of bed, they would join forces and take turns coming into our room to do the creepy-inches-from-your-face-stare-til-you-wake-up thing that they are busily perfecting. Thankfully, I am a fan of the electronic babysitter and am confident that their rooms are both stocked with books and toys and would send them back to their rooms until I decided it was time to drag my ass out of bed.

Sadly, over the last few day, they have decided that sleeping in isn't so bad after all. This poses great problems on the morning they are meant to return to school. As if it wasn't hard enough for me to get out of bed, it was like struggling to get a cat into a bath when I tried to get Ash out of bed for school. And this is the final act of torture inflicted upon us by our schools. Its almost as if the administrators sit around and plot all this.

Now if I could just escape the other new torture known as housecleaning, I'd be free as a bird.

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