Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Why didn't I think of this??

Over the past 3 years, 9 months and 2 weeks (thank you Lilypie for the exact count), I have heard numerous times, from numerous sources, how CJ's health issues could have been prevented.

If only I had breastfed him, not fed him peanut butter so early, introduced solid foods more slowly, slept hanging upside down from a clothesline, spun in circles while in labour or eaten less garlic and onions while pregnant. I'm sure you'd be astonished to learn that all this expert advice came not from a doctor, but from mere strangers. Passersby on the street. People in waiting rooms. I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I was to get this advice, this sage wisdom, all from people who have NO FREAKING IDEA what they're talking about!

CJ is lactose intolerant, and has "sensitivities" (they won't classify them as allergies) to tomatoes, oranges, pineapple, and strawberries. He also has asthma that we are finally able to control without multiple emergency hospital trips. I cannot even begin to describe the guilt that I saddled myself with, but suffice to say that the saddle is large enough for a sumo wrestler and his girlfriend to be quite comfortable lounging in.

Could I have prevented some of these issues of his? Possibly. But what fun would that be? How boring would my life be if I had been the perfect parent that some of these others CLEARLY are and done nothing to jeopardize my spawn's health. Well, I haven't the faintest idea what I would do with myself from day to day.

While there are times that I wish I could wind back the clock to the day he was born, and force my unwilling body to produce that much needed milk despite the infection it was already fighting, I am just completely unwilling to repeat the hundreds of sleepless nights and shitty diapers. So asthma it is. Suck it up people.

What I did NOT know back then was that there was something I could have done to prevent all of this. I could have saved my son, myself and all these strangers a lot of time and advice giving if I had just done one thing.

Dropped my son off the top of a building onto a trampoline.

Yeah. That's what I said too. But it appears that the parents in India and other Hindu & Muslim cultures have got the market cornered on how to ensure a healthy, strong child. Go up onto the roof of a building and hurl the screaming, shit covered spawnlet out into mid-air and hope like hell that the people with the trampoline/sheet below aren't smoking the wacky t'backy are paying attention.

Wonder if there's a limit on the height of the building and the drunkeness of the parents?

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