Thursday, November 20, 2008

Motel Mayhem - Starring........

There are days when I get home from work and marvel at the miracle that everyone survived the night. That I haven't clobbered anyone with a tire iron or a baseball bat yet is a feat unto itself. Aside from the interesting characters that stumble drunkenly saunter into my office, we have a few folks who live at the motel on a more permanent basis that provide entertainment for those of us who are unfortunate enough have the pleasure of working the front desk.

I'm 99.9% sure that I see more of these people than the other front desk staff, because I am the one who drew the short straw to perform the Night Audit duties. Either that or it's my cheerful, "come talk to me so I have a reason to kill myself" personality that entices them. Regardless, let me introduce you to a few of them today as I'm sure in the weeks to come they will provide fodder for this here blog.

The Creeper is our longest residing member of the "Let's Annoy the Mad Woman at the Front Desk" Pack. (Doesn't have quite the same ring as Rat Pack does it?). The Creeper is in his late 30s, and has resided at Motel Macabre for approximately 3 years now. Vertically challenged, portly and bald, he often resembles an overweight Mr. Noodles without the cute appeal. This fine specimen is most likely to be found skulking around the parking lot under the guise of having a cigarette. In actual fact The Creeper is merely waiting for the most opportune moment when Mad Woman is most engrossed in her book so that he might go regale her with yet another tale of how meaningless and boring exciting his life as a hermit is. Creeper will first appear within an hour of the beginning of a shift and will henceforth time his visits in such a way that one can not predict so as to avoid them.

Rain Man has been chilling at Casa Cheap-o for about 3 months now. While he is an incredibly nice person, he experiences much the same lag as one would expect from someone trying to download War & Peace on a dial up connection. Rain Man often makes his first appearance close to midnight, drifting in on a cloud of Maui Wowie. After determining how your night is progressing he will proceed to walk 10 steps behind you in the journey that is conversation. Thankfully his visits are short and infrequent, though always entertaining. Rain Man also has a protective side that will become apparent whenever The Creeper arrives, as well as any of the Miscreants.

Drunken Lout is one of the more entertaining residents, although admittedly hard work. (And I do not get paid to actually work!) Lout fancies himself a bit of a comedian and will tend to practice his stand up routine in office, no matter how hard you try to ignore him. Lout it also quick to anger when inebriated and will issue threats of bodily harm loudly and often, until he realises that should you poke him in the shoulder, he'll go over like a tree that's been munched by a beaver.

Miscreant #1 has checked in and out a couple of times and will likely continue to do so. Often confused with Drunken Lout, this Miscreant floats in not on a cloud of the Wacky Tabacky, but rather on the incredibly strong vapours of Mr. Daniels (Jack to his friends). Not interested in all the sordid details of the nasty divorce and custody battle? That's a shame because you'll hear them anyway. Story done, Miscreant #1 will vapourize (hehe) back to his room to watch nasty porn which he will subsequently leave in his room upon departure.

Miscreants #2 and #3 enjoy sitting outside their room shouting at any person passing by that might possibly have a penis between their legs. Should that person also happen to be in possession of hooch or drugs, their appeal increases tenfold. These ladies women girls get their rocks off by sleeping with as many passing male tenants as possible, and the occasional female. If intoxicated enough, they are apt to proposition whoever happens to be at the desk. Window screens will be flung into cars, cigarettes extinguished on bedspreads, sex traded for coke (and not the yummy, mixes well with Pop Rocks kind). Should you have reason to confront these two - and you will - go with bat in hand and an explanation prepared that no, the bat is NOT to be used for sexual games, sorry.

Pseudo-Security Guy (PSG) is the alter ego of The Creeper. PSG will take on the role of the boy in stories of ages past as he cries "Wolf" all night long. Or, in the case of Mayhem Motel, "Siren!". You see, PSG/Creeper has naught to do but peer through the window blinds in search of non existent trouble. A pleasant night it will be if you do not have call to extricate yourself from behind the desk to investigate yet another PSG claim.

"Mad Woman! I hear sirens in the next town over! This is surely a sign that the elderly woman in room #222 is beating her 25 year old boy toy with a walking stick for his refusal to rub cream on her hemorrhoids! YOU MUST INVESTIGATE!!"

**Beware: Should you make sounds of refusal, PSG/Creeper will begin to weep (I kid you not) as the realisation that you've had enough of his shit begins to sink in.


So there you have it folks. That is the regular cast list for the world that I am a part of at night. I'm sure from time to time others will make their way onto the list, and provide hours (ok, minutes) of entertainment and blog content. As I tried to dream up names for these wonders of nature, my mind kept flashing to various words.

Asshat. Dumbass. Fucktard.

All three appropriate, and yet not what was calling to me. And then it hit me! Two words that I once used on a regular basis when I lived in the UK.

Wanker. Wally.

Neither of these words is overly harsh, yet they seem so perfect for some of the people that I meet through my job. Honestly, I'm constantly amazed.



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16 comments:

  1. These sound like perfect names for your cast of characters!

    My favorite work guest is Lucky Charms, the 80-something Scottish guy who comes to the store every day and flirts ragingly with the women who work there. I've found myself more than once cornered among children's hardcover books and I'll know he's approaching because I can smell his thick application of aftershave. He's also a toucher, so he's always got a hand on you somewhere. Most recently, he had my face between both his hands, and stayed that way for 10 minutes or more while talking with me, asking what my husband would think if he knew I'd been chatting with a fine older gentleman today. I smelled like his aftershave the rest of the day. Had to come home after work and shower him off!

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  2. Oh my, you are the lucky one with that cast of characters! There's no way I could top that. The only one that comes close is the Ice Cruncher. Every day, from 2:30-3:30 PM, she'd sit in her cube next to mine and eat ice. It got to the point where I tried to schedule as many meetings for that time of day as possible.

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  3. My favorite cast member is the LINGERER. You know the one. He'll show up for some completely unknown reason and then not go away, no matter how much you ignore him by pretending to type an important memo?

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  4. Even though I work for a call center, I somehow have had the chance to speak to the same people repeatedly over the years.

    Like "Crazy Ellen", who is a patient at a mental hospital who sometimes manages to take a telephone hostage. When she manages to do so, she'll call up and talk to me about various things... Like telling me about the "silver-haired aristocrats and their bronzed suitcases" who are trying to prevent her from seeing her sister, "Annie Oakley". She also has told me that she is a member of "high government" and was granted her power by an old "turqoise Indian tribe leader".

    Oh, and there is also the narcoleptic, whom we lovingly refer to as The Narc. She'll call up, and as expected, fall asleep mid-conversation (sometimes mid-word) and start snoring. She'll eventually wake up after a few moments, and then begin the conversation from the start when she realizes she's on the phone.

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  5. you are too funny!

    these folks sound incredibly amusing.... even though im sure you feel bad for them sometimes

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  6. Love the characters. Couldn't make that stuff up!

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  7. Are you sure you didn't move to Orange County?

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  8. Your descriptions give good visuals of the people. Quite a crew. The baseball bat in relation to Miscreant #2 and #3 is the best.
    I've got my GB (Great Boss), but in the course of my work I am taking a class so I am a middle-aged woman in a class of male cadets who are 20-22. There are two students named Johnson in the class and the jokes that have passed back and forth between them are highly amusing. Though I do my best not to laugh and encourage them. But the 'my Johnson is bigger than your Johnson' the other day was nearly enough to put us all over the edge.
    It's a bit more creative than those student who simply use 'fuck' as an adjective, noun and verb. I am not offended by the word. But use it well! Not because you can't think of anything else to say!

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  9. "I so much wish I could place a comment here today."
    -Practically Joe

    On behalf of Rodney, the Practically Wisdom Blog Team is visiting everyone on the list of BLOGs he follows. He would like you to know that he greatly enjoys reading your posts and commenting on them.

    Unfortunately Rodney, sorry, we mean Practically Joe, has been heavily sedated for a long period of time now, following an accident which left him with two broken ribs and a number of minor injuries.

    He has been coming along fine and asked the team to post an account of the incident, which was posted on Sunday, 11/23.

    We have great expectations that he shall return soon, as good as new. He wishes you and every blogger a Great Thanksgiving Holiday.
    For those not in the USA … Have a great week!

    Thank You.
    The Practically Wisdom Blog Team.

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  11. You wanna hear about the oddballs I encounter?
    Shall we discuss the sneaky ones that think they can get away with returning cans or items more than once? The people in the neighborhood that need more help than they have and struggle with their daily tasks? I feel so wretched when I'm working and can't help someone more than by being as careful and kind as I can possibly be. That's sometimes really hard to do, when it's busy and someone's being "difficult" and the store is busy.
    Then there are the staff... Like a family, you can't bitch about any one of them without being painted by the same brush. Some are anal-retentive, some are annoying as a sick two year old, some are just odd that you can hardly fathom that you know them!
    But there was this guy that used to come into the coffee shop that I worked at when I first moved here.... He'd come in at night, usually stayed until closing, read/studied but listened in to our conversations and would ask about our lives and remembered details. Creepy. He was far too old to associate with the kids that we were and when we told our manager, she and her boss talked to him to see if he understood why we were creeped out and nervous. He thusly handed in his frequent coffee drinker card and never came in again. Since then (many years later!), I've seen him twice in my new workplace! And I think he recognised me! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

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  12. What a great post! I too have worked at a hotel... the cast of characters was always changing, entertaining, and sometimes even surprising! (Celebrities)
    Where I work now, we all have nicknames for each other (as well as M&M characters designed to resemble us). At one point we even went so far as to give each one of us a Smurf name! (Yes, I know how lame that sounds!) We don't get too many repeat callers, but if we do it's mostly folks who are seriously ill physically or mentally and even though it's human nature to make jokes to relieve the stress, we usually make fun of the situation, rather than the person. Some one on the outside looking in might think we were slightly macabre and most definately wacked!

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  13. I work from home, so I don't quite meet as many interesting people. But when I worked at a uni, oh boy! There was one girl who used to wear her bra on the outside of her clothes and dance in the student commons. We're not sure if her mp3 player was actually playing music or not.

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  14. Hmmm. That person would be the Clueless Cutie, otherwise known as a client. It could name a number of clients - past and present - but this one in particular will remain my secret.

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  15. I already have Wall-E but I wanted to leave a comment anyway. I have been telling my husband for years that I want to live in a hotel instead of a house once my daughter is grown. You are making me rethink that dream.

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  16. Those are so funny. Sounds like you meet all types of interesting people!!

    Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

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