Friday, February 6, 2009

Enter the world of.....Mutant Sperm!!

Now that this little space is a year old, I started to think about how I could change it up a bit. I already have the rockin' new layout (thanks Badass Geek!), and I have gathered my first troll. So what could I possibly do? It just doesn't get better than this right? *snicker*

Aha! Guest posters! I'll ask people to drop their very busy schedules and do something for me! That's right. Now, who will go for it? Without bribery.

Well, the first fool lovely person to fall for it jump for joy and practically BEG me to let them was Cathi over at Mumma Boo x 2. And the wonders she brings with her? Mutant Sperm.

Read on McDuff......

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Who Needs Diamonds?

When the Mad Woman asked me to guest post, I thought, "Wow! My first guest post! Wow! It's for Mad Woman Meg! Wow! What the hell am I going to write about?"

Thankfully, I have a secret inspiration. They're creepy little things that resemble sperm with legs. We call them mutant sperm around these parts. Yes, that's right. I have mutant sperm living in my house. Some folks might call them Sea Monkeys. Those folks are much kinder than I am. (Folks like my sister who gave the mutant sperm to my daughter for Christmas. I'm taking suggestions for revenge gifts. Really. I am.)

The mutants live in a little plastic tank. A tank that can't be cleaned. A tank that has a layer of mutant sperm poop on the bottom, mutant sperm poop floating in the water, mutant sperm food (really! food for sperm!) floating on the top, and, oh yeah, mutant sperm. Lots of them. More of them each day. Against all odds, the little suckers are surviving and reproducing. Why against all odds? Because they live and swim in their own excrement. Because they totally skeev me out. Because if they weren't parked near the coffee machine, that heavenly dispenser of caffeine-laced goodness that I use on average 5 times a day, I wouldn't see them. Or remember to feed them. Or add water when the crap to H20 ratio leans more in favor of the crap.

They're mutant sperm, people! I have nightmares about the tank spilling. I get the creepy-crawlies whenever I look at them. Yet, for some reason, I can't stop looking at them. It's like a watery, poopy, hairy-amoeba-spider train wreck in there.

These are not like the Sea Monkeys of my youth. Those Sea Monkeys went belly-up within three days. These genetically-altered bionic mutant sperm have lasted more than a month and show no sign of leaving this mortal coil any time soon. We have two from the first hatch that are enormous - Gigantor and Magna. Gigantor and Magna have spawned several offspring that are rapidly catching up to their parents in size. I'm going to need a freakin' thesaurus to come up with names for all of them. And now the offspring are having offspring. Last night I noticed itty-bitty hairy amoeba-spiders dodging floating poop balls along with the big kids. At this rate I'm going to need a bigger tank, and I might actually have to purchase food for the disgusting little buggers. Did I mention that the food can only be purchased through the mail? For the low, low price of $3 plus $1 shipping, I can have a postage-stamp sized pouch of mutant sperm food sent to my door. Joy.

But, wait! There's more! Along with the food, I can order vitamins, in case they're a little sluggish. And if the bachelors aren't pumped up to pump, I can get mating powder. Yeah, like I want more of them. Now, every good pet owner worries about what to do with their pets when they have to go out of town. Not a problem for me. I can get a fabulous wearable tank in case I ever want to take the biohazard to Disneyworld for some fun. But which one to choose? The watch or the keychain? Need a little something to finish off that evening wear ensemble? Diamond earrings? Check. Diamond necklace? Check. Diamond tennis bracelet? No. Darn. I can't go out with naked wrists. Wait! My Sea Monkey tank bracelet! Perfect! Those bitches at the charity function will be green with envy that they didn't think of it first. Now, where did I put my keys? Oh there they are - leaking all over my Prada handbag.

So there you have it, Mad Woman readers. Mutant sperm. The gift that keeps on giving. Hours of fun and lifetimes of bacterial infections. Blecch.

(Thanks for the guest-post honor, Meg!)

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8 comments:

  1. Whaddya mean without bribery? You promised to potty-train my kid, remember? Heh.

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  2. Ooooohhhh yeah. Hmmm. Well, I'm available for the next 5 days and it'll only take two...so come on over!

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  3. You should take a picture of the mutant sperm and post it. I'm strangely curious and freaked out all at the same time.

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  4. I never tire of hearing Mutant Sperm stories..
    and we need to see pics of the 2 biggest..
    and how funny that they have names..lmao..

    Get her some fish!!
    OHHH..I bet the fish will eat the mutant sperm...
    hmm..on second thought,I smell therapy!!

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  5. Oh my goodness! There are quite the visuals in that. Great guest post!

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  6. Mumma: I think I need to see a picture of these mutants. When I was a kid, I couldn't even get the suckas to grow.

    MadWoman: I love what Badass did for you. Gotta love the Geek!

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  7. You guys are too kind! I'm glad you enjoyed the sperm, er, mutants. Hmmm... photos. I think I can arrange that. They're big enough now to practically wave at the camera with their bajillion legs.

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  8. You know, I can't figure out why they have never made it easier to order all that extra stuff. You have to mail it in, Who doesn't have a website these days?

    Anyway, Meg I have a new blog, the old one is closed for now. http://baconismylover.blogspot.com/

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