Monday, August 10, 2009

Cherry Popping

The last of our guest posters, for now, is the ever exciting Cape Cod Gal from Diamond in the Rough. This is another one where I have to make very sure I'm not eating or drinking anything while I read her stuff because I'm liable to either choke and die a quick and hilarious death, or I ruin clothes and electronics with sprays of Pepsi. Either way, not good.

Today, we're popping her cherry......so enjoy!!

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When Mad Woman contacted me about doing a guest blog I was like, “YEAH!!!!!” I have been a blogger for nearly a year and I’ve never been asked to guest blog. I’m a virgin. So, thanks girl for popping my guest blogging cherry.

After answering her email with a “Hell ya!,” (ugh, that reeks of Sarah Palin) I asked her what should be the subject of my de-virginization. She responded that the topic would be left up to me.

Oh Boy. Big mistake. Unleashing me upon your blog with no boundaries is a big No No. Silly Mad Women. She’s read my blog. She knew better.

So, instead of scaring you all away from this fabulous blog, I will give you the Top Ten Reasons Why You Should NEVER…EVER…ask me to guest blog.

#10. You never know what my mood is. Most of the time I’m happy and horny. But, there are the rare moments when I will suddenly freak out and become Medusa. This is most often brought about by the insensitive assholes that I work with. As a result, I will unleash a torrid flood of verbal diarrhea that will frighten even the hardiest of souls.

#9. You never know what disgusting topic has caught my interest. I most recently described my husbands jock inch and my battle with athletes foot. One has nothing to do with the other. I’m kinky, but not into feet.

#8. Once, I went on vacation and ate 13 corndogs in three days (two of them were a foot long).

#7. My grandfather was a squirrel hunter and actually kept the tails as trophies. I’m 32 years old and haven’t felt that homicidal urge yet.

#6. I am an official sex toy reviewer for Edens Fantasys. I test these toys out and give my readers VERY detailed reviews. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

#5. On any given day, I may choose to talk about the following subjects: balls, blue penises, pubic hair, (or lack there of), blow jobs, booty calls, porn, the amount of time my husband spends in the bathroom, lesbianism, boobs, periods, strippers, fungus, food and my amazing sex life. I will describe them in great detail and I don’t care if you get grossed out.

#4. I have compared having an orgasm to a great cup of coffee or eating a bacon cheeseburger.

#3. I whine about my boobs all the time. I have none and I want some. A week doesn’t go by when I don’t gripe about my lack of bodacious Ta Ta’s

#2. I masturbate ALOT and I’m always willing to share just how much I do it, when I did it and how it was.

And the #1 reason you should never let me on your blog:

I allow a crazy German woman wax my WooHa every three weeks and just last week she waxed my butt cheek! It was super embarrassing, but I STILL blogged about it.

Good luck in NZ Mad Woman!!! I’ll be here when you get back. Just as crazy as ever and most likely be sunbathing naked while I test out my lately toy!

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5 comments:

  1. I love CCG. She is a firecracker.

    Hope you're settling in well.

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  2. Just found your blog and I love it!

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  3. Those aren't good reasons to ban you from guest blogging. The dirtier the better!

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  4. I still can't believe you get your woohaa waxed by the wax nazi after the ass incident...

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