Saturday, August 1, 2009

I'll Take A Stubby and Some Shark and Taties, Mate

The last time I left my blog unsupervised, Mumma Boo snuck on in here and started rambling on about some Mutant Sperm. It turned into quite the saga over at her site and it was all really freakin' hilarious! Needless to say, I had no hesitation in approaching her again to fill in for me. Was I worried about what she'd write about? Hell no! And I knew you'd all love her. So, here to make you laugh and maybe even teach you a few things along the way, is Mumma Boo!

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Having conquered Canada, our dear Meg, her Hotty Hubby and two adorable children have now set their sights on lording their dominion over the Paradise of the South, New Zealand. Meg, along with her constant companion, Blue Bombay Gin, is rapidly and furiously preparing for the gazillion hour plane flight to the Southern Hemisphere. The Canucks, especially the lunatics at the no-tell motel where she works (as a night auditor, people! get your minds out of the gutter!), are sure to miss her. The Kiwis are getting ready to welcome her back with open arms. Yes, Meg has lived there before, and Oceania is anticipating her return with all the fanfare of a royal visit. Only this time, the queen is staying.

Not having ventured further than 200 miles from my place of birth, and having moved homesteads only 5 times in my life, and all without kids, I have absolutely no advice to give our dear Meg about her move. Except this: pack light and wear sunscreen. Which I'm pretty sure is good advice for short trips and for sanity-bending ones like the journey she is about to take.

I do, however, have some advice for Hotty Hubby, Princess Ash, and the monkey CJ. Although I'm certain Meg has prepared them for the big adventure they are about to embark upon, in the whirlwind of visas, medical clearances, packing, unpacking, fees, more packing and unpacking, and the slathering on of sunscreen, there is bound to be something forgotten. See, Meg has the distinct advantage of having lived in Kiwi-land before, so she's probably more familiar with the language, and will slip right back in unnoticed. (After they roll up the red carpet and the "Welcome Home" parade is over, that is.) She may have even started using some of the more common phrases while still bound to Canadian soil in order to help her clan get immersed in the Kiwi culture faster. But, being the conscientious friend that I am, I just want to make sure that Hotty Hubby and the kids are REALLY prepared when they step off the plane into their new homeland.

For example, Hotty Hubby, if someone comes up to you and says: "She's going to be knackered, going full tit like that, mate", you do not have to knock him on his ass. For although prostitution is legal in NZ, and Meg does have those bodacious tatas, he is not propositioning your wife. Your new Kiwi friend is simply remarking at how rapidly your wife is trying to run out of the airport to get to her new home, and that she will be tired soon. However, if he says that he's randy and would like to root your sheila, you have every right to get ropeable (very angry), rark up (tell him off), and inform him he'll be pushing up daisies if he doesn't run away full tit.

Now kids, if Mom says "You're going to have to rattle your dags when the sparrow farts and hit the dunny before the tiki tour to the rellies", she wants you to hurry up and get moving at sunrise and be sure to go to the bathroom because you'll be taking the long, scenic route to visit Grandma. If you really want to impress Mom, tell her it'll a be "a piece-of-piss" and you'll be "happy as larry". Don't worry, you're not being disrespectful - you're telling her that it'll be easy and you're very happy to do as she bids. Then give her a big grin, drop your gear (get undressed) and give her the brown eye (flash your naked butt at her). Tell her I said you could do it. Heh. Oh, and if you go out for breakfast, don't order the cheerios. You'll get lots of people saying goodbye or a bowl of little brown sausages instead of O-shaped oatie goodness.

Seriously, this trip has been months (years?) in the making and it is finally coming to fruition. To all the Madwoman clan, I say: remember to relax, have fun, and enjoy the ride. I wish you safe travels and dreams come true. Have a few shandies for me when you get there and wear your sunscreen. May nothing go down the gurgler and may you be home and hosed in no time at all.

Love, Mumma Boo

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7 comments:

  1. From out here in the big smoke at a sparrow fart, I hope your trip is going well.
    (I'm in manhattan, and its early)

    great yacking mumma boo! :)

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  2. Oh my god, that's a wonderful post! And I do believe the whole mutant sperm guest post was what originally brought me over to Mumma Boo's blog, which has made me happy ever since!

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  3. Oh my god, that's a wonderful post! And I do believe the whole mutant sperm guest post was what originally brought me over to Mumma Boo's blog, which has made me happy ever since!

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  4. Loved this. (Every time someone in America uses the term 'rooted' on their blog they have no idea how that translates to us in Australia and New Zealand...)

    Got to love regional slang!

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  5. Prostitution should be legal here, too. Think of the taxes the US could collect...

    Great post, Mumma. I love regional slang, no matter the region!

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  6. Thanks everyone for the kind words! I'm glad you enjoyed the post!

    Hope all is going well, Maggie!

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