Monday, September 21, 2009

We talk some weird crap in this house

Over the past week or so, I've actually managed to be on the ball for the most part when listening to the ramblings of the people that inhabit my house. I've known for a long time that if I pay attention, I will occasionally hear something amusing from their mouths . I just rarely remember what it is when it comes to composing a blog post. Guess what I did this week? (Nuh uh...I didn't do THAT..gross!) I wrote them down!

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My step sister (15) stayed with us last weekend so that mum & stepdad could go away for a much needed weekend away to just chill. She was with us for a few days and obviously needed to have a shower or three in that time. As she disappeared into the bathroom one morning I overheard the spawn discussing the matter of closed doors:

Girl Spawn: "S keeps closing doors Boy Spawn!!"

Boy Spawn: *gasp!* "What?! WHY?!"

(because apparently it's a major event if a door gets closed in this house. Actually it probably is because the spawnlets don't believe in privacy)

GS: "Cos she's getting naked!! For her shower" (like duh...)

BS: *drops to whisper* (for the first time in his life..the boy has no volume control) "So no one sees her vagina?!?!"

GS: *fit of giggles* "I guess...teeheehee"

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Crappy kids shows playing in the background as the offspring jump around the room doing their best to annoy the crap out of me when suddenly a Miley Cyrus song starts. Both of them grind to a halt (wouldn't you? scary shit man!) and listen for a bit. Then....

Boy Spawn: *sigh* "She has a booooootiful voice.....ahhhhhhh"

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We live across the road from my mother. Y'know, like in Everybody Loves Raymond but with my mother playing a slightly less annoying and intrusive version of Marie. She happens to possess a cat who could do with its very own psychiatrist. Chekov (yes, after the Star Trek character) is a bit nutso, but we tolerate his increasingly frequent visits over to our house. Being part Burmese, he can be rather vocal when he feels like he's not getting enough attention (a lot like children and horny husbands) ....

GS: "Ugh...he meows a LOT"

BS: (looks at sister like she's totally off her rocker) *deadpan* "Uh. Yeah. Cos he's a cat."

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Recently the fruit of my loins have decided that they are both budding Cezannes and will draw on any piece of paper that isn't filed away safely. (Which really means any piece of paper at all because my filing system is..well....isn't). As they sat there the other day tracing any part of their body that was exposed, with the very firm rule that clothing stayed on, and I heard....

BS: "Argh! I can't trace your head! It's too BIG!"

GS: *shocked look, sounds of indignation and lots of huffing and puffing* "It is NOT too big. Mom! Tell him it's not too big! I do NOT have a big head"

By this point, I was too busy giggling to defend my darling girl spawn's honour because in all honesty she DOES have a big head. Just like her mother.

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As with many siblings, slapping and punching, kicking and attempted murder are par for the course. I have learned to tune it all out quite effectively ...... usually. The other day as they geared up for another epic battle, I heard a slap and then....

GS: "OW!!! Moooooooommmmm, he HIT me!!!"

*silence*

BS: "My hand is very naughty sometimes"

On the one hand, just thinking about that simple statement makes me giggle. On the other, I'm kind of hoping that by the time he's 15 he has better control over his naughty hand. I'm sure his girlfriend's parents will be grateful.

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It's not just the spawn that come up with the funnies in this house. Occasionally Hotty Hubby will come up with a doozy.

Years ago, my mother had some friends in their homeschooling network that were a bit...um...interesting. On one trip to the beach, she (the friend) was out in the water when her husband yelled "Show us your norks!!" She promptly flipped up her shirt and flashed her boobs at everyone. This has since become a bit of a thing to say in the Mad Woman house. Just today I looked at Hotty Hubby and asked him to show me his norks. He promptly yanked down his shorts and shook his junk at me.

HH: "I don't have norks but I've got this" (continues to shake his junk like he's going for a record in some junk swinging competition)

MW: "That's a Snork!"

HH: (without even missing a beat) "Yup, that's how I breathe if my head goes under water"

Gawd....remind me to never push him into a pool.

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5 comments:

  1. Got yourself a little Miley fan there, huh? Yea...Good Luck with that sweetie.

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  2. Can I come visit if I show you my 'norks?'
    I want to see naughty hand in person!

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  3. Norks and Snorks ... that's just funny!

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  4. Honestly, I thought "oh no, a post with funny things the kids said", but I'm glad I read it because your spawn is actually HILARIOUS. And so are you and your husband.

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  5. Naughty hand - *giggles*
    Norks - *guffaws*
    Snorks?!? - *wipes tears from eyes* I am so stealing that one. ;)

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