Saturday, October 24, 2009

All I need now is a cape......

Three years ago, I came up with the bright idea that seeing as I had sat on my ass and/or slept through my last two years of high school (it was a boarding school...thanks folks!), and then decided that there was no need for me to go to university even if I could have despite my poor grades, that I would go back to school. So, as a "mature student" (no better way to give yourself an ego boost at 27 than to suddenly have to declare yourself mature), I entered the local community college to be trained as a Legal Secretary. 9 months later, I had graduated with a piece of paper that I could have printed myself at home, and had a job at a local law firm. Yay for me right? Sure, if you don't mind having to work for a total asshat. There were two partners in the firm - Timid Tommy and Pompous Ass Pete. P.A.P (yes, the initials are appropriate. He was as invasive as one) was a jackass and ultimately my reason for quitting. There was just so many times I was willing to let him scream in my face. Y'know...pride and all that crap.

Flash forward to present day and I'm not only in a new country, but in a new industry altogether. I am what is known so lovingly as a "Community Support Worker". I make the rounds of all the blue hairs in town and take care of them. Not since working at Motel Mayhem have I met such interesting and ...um... well let's just leave it at that shall we?

So I thought, just for kicks, I'd introduce a few of my old dears to y'all. Are you up for that? Of course you are! (Like you had a choice. Puh-lease!) With just a snap of my sexy rubber gloves, I can make an 80 year woman shed her clothes in about 10 minutes flat. Stripping has never looked so wrinkly!


Picture lifted from Daily Mail thru Google Images

First up...we have "The Lady on the Floor" (as dubbed by Girl Spawn once I explained I couldn't give her actual names). From the very first day I met her, the LOTF had me laughing and rolling my eyes all at the same time. A diabetic who could barely walk because of her sore legs, LOTF had me serving her every whim for an hour or more every morning. Yes, every morning. Within the first week, I arrived to find her neighbour standing at her front door looking at me and tapping his watch. Apparently he was annoyed that instead of my normal 10 minutes early, I was only on time. Seems she was the floor. She flatly refused to press the button on her medic alert bracelet, preferring instead to test my strength by having me lift all 170 pounds of her now dead weight. This happened at least every two days for the first two weeks until I ordered her to stay in bed until I arrived in the morning. My mistake. Those latex gloves up there? I have a plastic apron to match. I wish I had smell resistant mask. A week after ordering her to stay in bed and wait for me, I got there to find she had indeed waited for me....covered in what appeared to be explosive diarrhea. I do not have the strongest gag reflex in the world. For that morning though, I became the superhero AWE (Ass Wiper Extraordinaire!).

Like any good set of instructions, this also included the requisite "rinse and repeat". Not my most fun month.


Next up is "Moaning Minnie". In her 90s, I have no doubt that she has earned every moan, whine and bitch that comes flying out of her mouth but it can get as tiring as ass wiping sometimes. MM will continually refer to her care workers, myself included, as "you people". Thanks to her age, she sometimes has difficulty remembering which of us is actually in her house and for the entire hour I am there, it is entirely possible that I will listen to bitching about myself. Thankfully, her worst complaint thus far seems to be that I didn't shower her for long enough. Sorry Minnie, when the water starts getting cold and I can't tell where your wrinkles end and mine begin, shower time is over.

Last up, for today anyway, are "The Grumpersons". One of my most unpleasant couples to visit, I will be grateful when my time with them is done. It started with the anger over un-ironed sweatpants and underwear (complete with skid marks still in place), carried on through "the bedspread isn't straight! That flower should be 20 inches from each side of the bed" and finished with how I had moved Mr. G's slippers 2 inches to the right and thus he could no longer stand to have me in the house as I clearly didn't know "what the hell [I] was doing!" Hey Mr. G, I have an idea. Why don't you take your slippers and shove 'em?!


Though I whine about the LOTF and Moaning Minnie, they're really quite awesome gals and I look forward to going to see them. Not so much the Grumpersons. I will continue to stock my purse with snappy gloves and aprons and hope that someone finds me a cape. All I ask is that the letters A. W. E. be sewn on the back of it. After all, how else would anyone know me?

ASS WIPER EXTRAORDINAIRE!!!

Picture from Tasty Infidelicacies through Google Images

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8 comments:

  1. Wow, that sounds like quite an adventure! It makes me wonder what I'd be like in that situation...

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  2. I'm not wondering what I'd be like - I think a mess would be the word. I have only admiration for "you people".

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  3. @ Moonspun & @ Mwa - You know what pisses me off about the job though? Cos I do enjoy it (most of the time)....is the families who DON'T give a shit. The ones who live right here in town and just don't give a crap about their loved ones who WE are looking after.

    I can handle the being bitched at (I don't appreciate it, but I can handle it), I can handle cleaning up after them in their houses, or cleaning the person themselves...but seeing how lonely they are breaks my heart.

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  4. I don't think I could do your job. You are a good person for putting up with all that.

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  5. I can soooo sympathize with you on this stuff. For several years, I took care of my daughter's great grandmother, and I can't tell you the number of times I'd roll her over to change her diaper, just to have more shit start oozing out of her onto the fresh clean diaper. And her own daughter, who I was doing this all to help, couldn't do anything. I could throw that old woman around like a sack of flour all by myself with no help, but she'd call me and want me to get OUT OF BED and come over to help her scootch her up in the bed an inch. Arrrrrrrrrgh!

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  6. MW, you're a good person to these people. I'll work on the cape too. And I'll email you why I think some of these people's families may not come visit often. ;)

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  7. The sight of rubber gloves would definitely not get me to strip down, and clearly the term "glory hole" has a completely different meaning in New Zealand than in the states.

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  8. You are a good, good woman. You deserve the cape AND a fortress of solitude. I couldn't do it.

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Show me some love people.....you know you want to!