Thursday, October 1, 2009

An assault on innocence

The girl stood in her room, staring at her reflection in the mirror. As she brushed her long blond hair for the 100th time she thought about him. While taking care to apply her mascara properly, her thoughts were occupied with images of him as he'd looked that morning. She thought about his face as he asked her to go out with him that night. Her excitement was palpable.

"Lookin' good!" she thought to herself unusually. Lately her self esteem had been at an all time low as she watched him strut around with his new girl. But that day it had gotten a boost. That day, he had asked her.

She straightened her skirt and top, gave her hair one last confidence filled toss, puckered her lips in the direction of the mirror and went off to meet him. She didn't have to go far. There he was, standing outside......looking bored. Perhaps she should have taken that as a clue, an omen. But for that one moment she chose to ignore what would have ordinarily been an annoyance to her.

He looked......delicious. His jeans fit his ass perfectly, his shirt draped his shoulders in a way that just made girls melt (perhaps that was part of the problem?). He brushed his hair out of his eyes and looked her way with that smoldering gaze of his. Every doubt was wiped from her mind. He'd told he was done with the other girl. He told her only wanted her. Her!

As they walked downtown, enjoying the calm night and the starry sky, she attempted to make small talk. It was hard considering how long they'd known each other, but really the only thing she could think of for that moment. He certainly wasn't making it easy for her. Maybe a few drinks would help.

Three hours later, she'd had a few too many beers and they were laughing hysterically at the most inane things that the other was saying. It was almost like he'd been trying to get her drunk. Every time a beer was finished, another would appear in front of her. They were having a good time. She was hopeful. She was excited. She was....going to puke.

Having decided it was probably time to head home, they headed through the park, holding hands. She was happier than she had been in a very long time, giddy in fact. But she needed to sit. She found a tree to lean up against and slumped down underneath it. He slid down to sit beside her and put his arm around her. She snuggled into his strong chest and felt herself relax. He made her feel safe, made her feel .... loved?

Suddenly his hands were wandering. She wasn't ready for this. It was too soon. She wiggled away. He came after her. "C'mon, you want it as bad as I do." She slid backwards to get away and ran smack into the tree. "No!" He pounced, grabbing her wrists and laying on top of her. Terror flooded over her. She couldn't move, couldn't escape. Why was he hurting her? She thought this was meant to be a new start, why was he doing this to her? "No!" He fumbled with his jeans and slid her skirt up to her waist. Tears streamed down her face as she listened to him whispering "You love me, I know you want me". She wanted desperately to scream but no sound escaped her mouth. He just kept going as she listened to his grunts and just lay there waiting for it to be over, waiting for her mind to cloud over, waiting for the nightmare to end.

And then, it was done. She flinched as he brushed her hair back off her face. Such a loving action from someone who had just hurt her so badly. As he stood and did his jeans up, she just lay and cried. How had the night ended up this way? Where was her happy ending? His hand appeared in front of her face, offering to help her up. It was like someone had flicked a switch in his head, and he was back to being his charming self. Once up, she trailed behind him on the way home, crying all the way. She supposed that she should tell someone. She thought she should be reporting this, him. That's what the girls in the movies did. But all she could think of was washing him off of her. And the whole way home, he talked. "Tonight was fun, we should do it again." "I'm really glad you wore a skirt." "You looked really pretty tonight."

Once home, she got straight into the hottest shower her body could tolerate and scrubbed herself raw. A part of her knew she was making a mistake, but she wanted him off of her.

Over the next week, she avoided him where she could. But sometimes it didn't work and he made a point of telling her that he didn't do anything wrong, that she had wanted it. He said it so often she started to wonder. Had she? She wasn't a virgin, hadn't been in awhile. But she knew that something had gone terribly wrong that night. Had she led him on? Had she given him the impression that she wanted it?



That girl....was me. That boy.....was you. You know who you are. You know what you did. For years, I thought that it was ME that did something wrong that night. You made me believe that I had ASKED for it, that I wanted you to do it. I never reported you, I never told my mother, I never made any trouble for you. I stayed away from you, I kept my mouth shut, and you went on with your life.

You destroyed the trust I had in men. I spent the next few years of my life sleeping with any guy who would look at me, thinking that I could somehow numb the feelings deep in my heart. Kind of an odd way to deal with what you did to me, no? Even when I met my now husband, thoughts of you invaded every aspect of our relationship. You destroyed parts of my life that to this day I still haven't recovered. It's possible I never will.

I wish I had reported you. I can only hope that I haven't caused another girl to be hurt by you.

But you didn't win. I have held onto this hurt for too long. Today, I am letting it go. I will never forgive you for what you did. I will never forget that you chose to ignore me when I said "NO!". Today, I am blessed with a man who treats me well, who loves me, who takes care of me and would DIE before he hurt me in the way you did. Today, you no longer affect my life. You no longer have a hold over a part of me. I am done being scared to walk alone in the dark. I am done having my heart skip when I see a strange man walking behind me. I am done....with you.



This was meant to be my submission for "Letters That I'll Never Send", and instead it has turned into some sort of therapy for me. In some ways, I wish I had sent a letter like this. If you made it to the end of this....bravo. I don't know if this is what I am meant to use my blog for, but for today, it works for me.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

11 comments:

  1. wow, your writing was so beautiful. And I am so sorry for what happened to you. I work with victims daily at my job. You are such a strong person to write this all down and get it all out. You ARE a strong person, don't ever forget it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have no words.

    I'm glad you've found a good man who loves you. You deserve it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a brave letter. If it felt like therapy, that must be what your blog is for.

    Sending you love and hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Holy crap. You are a strong and brave woman for telling such a deeply personal and difficult story. I admire you for it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so proud of you for writing this - and for, hopefully, getting to a place in your life where you can put this behind you. I'm always here - just an email away - if you want to talk.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh wow, that's incredibly powerfully written. Your blog is for you, although many of us enjoy it for a variety of reasons...most of all becuase you are authentic and you are you.
    Thank you for trusting us and sharing.
    Hugs...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow. You are an amazing, brave, strong, wonderful person. This must have been very difficult to write. I'm so proud of you for doing it and reclaiming yourself from the hold this event has had on you. Many hugs are being sent your way...

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm am so sorry that this happened. I will never forget your line "That girl....was me. That boy.....was you." I'm speechless.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What a horrible experience, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you finally spoke up.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad you've taken back your life and your power from him.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It saddens me, as a guy, to see yet another woman who who had something special destroyed by a male. And I mean male. Guys are too much fun to be around, and a man, a real one, would never do this.

    I hope that many, many women read this and come forward, before the chance to lock these beasts away is gone.

    Strike that. I wish this never, ever happens to another woman.

    ReplyDelete

Show me some love people.....you know you want to!