Sunday, November 1, 2009

Morning! So, who's for snot flicking?!

Boy Spawn, at the age of 5, has discovered quite a passion for gold digging. In his nose. Unlike some other Robin Hoods boys his age, he doesn't seem to be able to bring himself to eat it. Instead, I find little green nuggets smeared on bed frames, walls, bathroom sinks, shower doors and even on the back of MY pants. Thanks sweet child, I appreciate that.

This morning, I came out to find a wee little tidbit had been left on the desk in front of my laptop. I gotta tell ya, nothing makes me happier than little gifts being left for me, but I'm rather more partial to the sparkly kind that I can wear on finger. (I wonder if the vamps from Twilight have sparkly bogeys?) Of course, when the culprit was confronted about his .,.erm...decorating, he immediately placed the blame on his big sister. Why not, right? That's what she's for. So, being the ever trusting mama that I am (*snort*), I headed off in search of the Girl Spawn to berate her for defacing my incredibly tidy workspace.

I'm confident in the knowledge that it was NOT her, considering her sneer and "Um. No. I eat mine" before huffing off to her room. (I swear there's a 15 year old living in that body!) **

So back I went to Boy Spawn to try again.

"Let's try this again. Did you smear your snot on my exceptionally clean desk?"

I could almost see the wheels going around in his head as he thought about what might be the best approach to this obvious problem.

"No. It wasn't me. I told you!"

"Yes but you told me it was Girl Spawn and she says it's not because she eats hers which, besides being highly disgusting, lends an air of credibility to her story. So, let's have it. If it's not you, and I think it is, then who could it possibly be?"

More cranking of wheels. Smoking coming out the ears.

"Um. Bob? Yeah! Bob did it"

A bit of an explanation is required here. Bob is a gorilla. He moved into my mother's house about 17 years ago when my sister was 2 and I was just entering my teens. He became rather a scapegoat for anything and everything that happened in the house. Farts, messy rooms, noise, broken things, you name it, he did it. Bob still lives in her house but somehow he spawned Bob Junior. I've never thought to ask who the mother is. Bob Junior lives in our house. He's kind of a smelly guy but we let him stay because his attitude matches mine most of the time.

Needless to say, since he arrived he has been blamed for many a thing. This snot thing is just the most recent. I wonder if he ever gets pissed off about it?

There have been other imaginary friends in the past. As a child I had "Christopher" and "Katie", who I insisted on bringing everywhere. Tantrums were had when doors were not held for them, and sometimes they joined us for dinner. Later, I'm told, I had "Crackle the Snackle Bird" who took the rap for any extreme noise.

Later on, before Bob arrived to grace us with his presence, we had "The Angry Bull".

Boy Spawn has "Kenoah" who frequently disappears to China and Africa to explore and search for new animals, but has yet to be blamed for any nuisance. I suppose because we have Bob.

Photo from thru Google Images

Anyway (because there IS a point to all this rambling), all of this reminded me of one of my favourite movies of all time. It was slammed by critics when it came out 18 years ago, but to this day it makes me giggle like a 12 year old boy. And we all know that's what is trapped in my brain. Maybe you figured it out from the title of this post?

"Hold on, hold on that's not how the pigeons do it. You're supposed to stamp on her head and peck her"
"..breaking a window requires much I'd better do it"

Photo courtesy of thru Google Images

"Drop Dead Fred" is a fantastic movie. Rik Mayall brings the character everything it needed and I honestly can't think of anyone who could have done it better. I've loved him since being addicted to "The Young Ones" (seriously, click that link!)when I lived in the UK.

Apparently, someone out there doesn't agree with me and has decided to remake this movie. It's meant to be released in 2011. Really?! 20 years after the original? And why on earth would you remake something like this? I mean, yeah it was awesome. But geez. What's worse is that they've decided to have Russell Brand (blech) play Fred!! Eww. I cannot even begin to imagine the thought process behind something like that. Ah well.

So what imaginary friends inhabit your house? Or if you don't have kids (or don't want to admit to being a childless adult that DOES have an imaginary friend), who did you have when you were a kid?


**While searching for an adequate word to describe Girl Spawn's disdain for me when questioned about the snot, I typed "frustrated" into a thesaurus. Having been given the following result, "frustrated" was a pretty adequate description for me...Is it just me or did I not just say that?

***Google search term of the week: "Stupid Women Eat Sperm". I don't think I'm ever going to tire of the sperm searchers.

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  1. Now I'd think that a real true snot flicker would have more of a routine, like one place where it all accumulates into one.big.snotball. Maybe you should suggest that. At least you'll know where it is then!

  2. I'd totally forgotten about drop dead fred. That was one of my ex Jackass's fave movies.

  3. Eww, gross. My brother used to wipe his everywhere and I remember the crusty spots on the couch.

    Hopefully we won't have the same here. No imaginary friends yet but Bob is a genius.

  4. My five year old has one finger permanently up his nose. Disgusting.

  5. My youngest lets the snot drip down on his lip and then licks it off. Nas-tee!

  6. Hilarious! I found a big green one stuck to my 4 year old son's wall yesterday. Precious. Of course, he denied it all.

    Thanks for coming over to my place! Good luck with NaBloPoMo!! Go, girl!

  7. I caught Cenzo starting to blow snot rockets the other day. Ugh - where do they get this stuff from?!?!


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