Saturday, November 28, 2009

The truth hurts....

I published this a couple of days ago on my other blog, "Looking For My Feet". I've been blogging about my weightloss journey with Weight Watchers over there so as not to clog up this space. But, I thought this one might be worth cross posting. So...here ya go. (slightly edited to make it work here)

*****

It's true what they say. "They" being the powers that be that decide on what words will make up the numerous cheesy cliches that we use. And today "they" were proved right. Which of course made me want to hunt them down and tie them to the front of a train, but that's beside the point.

Where was I before I so rudely digressed? Oh yes. It's true what they say. The truth hurts. It's like a punch to the head, or someone giving you a supreme truth wedgie. Hurts like a ....well....like worse than birthing my kids.

How does it hurt? Ah well my lovelies, you are smart to ask.

Oh let me list the ways....

1) Although I already have a job, it doesn't give me very many hours and it isn't what I went back to school to get trained for. So, I've carried on looking for employment in my field. I've sent out letters and resumes to all and sundry and not having too much luck. The job market here is not as great as I might like right now. But yesterday I got a phone call from a firm here in town who I have now applied to twice. Could I please come in for an "informal discussion" (read: interview that stresses me out beyond belief)? Absolutely!

This, of course, presented me with a problem. No. Nice. Clothes. Well I'll just go shopping. HA! Yeah right. This might be a relatively easy feat for you folks who fit nicely into the societal norm of what size we should be and, as a result, the averages sizes that the designers churn out. However, for a someone my size who more closely resembles the prize cow in the field down the road than Heidi Klum, it can be a tad more difficult.

As I dragged my extremely shopping resistant spawnlets (they come by it honestly. I hate shopping.) around the store trying to find something interview appropriate, I found myself on the verge of tears. So many gorgeous shirts, skirts, pants, dresses and jackets.....all in sizes smaller than I can even dream of fitting into right now. I finally found the "oversize" area (yeah..heaven forbid they call it "plus size" like the rest of the world, they have to label us like the back of those Mack Trucks hauling friggin' houses!) and guess what? Sweet F All!

Ok, that's not strictly true. I did find a pair of pants in a lovely grey colour that were my size. I tried them on and couldn't decide what was wrong with them. But something was. So I bought them (because I'm stupid) and brought them home to model for my mother. She kindly pointed out that because I'd got them big enough to go up over my ass just to get them to my waist, I now had pants that were too big in the ass and I looked like I was wearing saddlebags. Ok. The pants were returned, I spent another HOUR wandering all (two) of the "Heffers Shop Here" aisles and finally found a nice dressy pair of capris that look quite fetching on me.

All in all though, a very humbling and tear inducing experience. One I'd rather not repeat til I've lost a few dozen more kilos.

The truth is, I'm too heavy to shop happily. That truth hurts.

2) (This one will be shorter I promise!) One of the requirements for this job I interviewed for was that the applicant have "excellent presentation skills, both in manner and appearance". Well, I might come across as an uncouth redneck idiot whenever I open my mouth at times, but when it comes down to it I can sound pretty darn intelligent. Also? I clean up pretty good...my size aside.

When talking about this aspect of the job description with my mother, she pointed that my size might be a distinct DISadvantage for me. Huh? Yeah. I was all "Nuh-UH! They can't discriminate based on the size of my ass!" And she's all "Oh yeah they can. You are presenting the face of their firm and let's face it, a thin person would look better....they can be very selective when it comes to that."

(Note: NOT a direct quote from mother dearest, I'm paraphrasing and perhaps using what I heard as opposed to what she actually said because I'm pretty sure she put it more eloquently than that.)

Once I picked my jaw up off the floor (where, by the way, there was NO food!) and fought back the tears that were welling up, I proceeded to put that little ditty on a loop in my head where it played over and over and over and over and over again until AFTER my interview today.

The truth is, she's right. Given the choice between me and some skinny minny with the same qualifications and experience, they'll likely choose skinny because she looks better for them. And that truth hurts.

3) Children are, up to a certain age, brutally honest. Horribly so. When I went to pick up the spawnlets from school today, I was still all gussied up from my "informal discussion". As I walked down the hallway towards Girl Spawn's classroom, a bunch of kids were walking towards me. A couple of the girls started giggling with each other and I didn't think much of it.....until they got just past me.

"Oh. My. Gosh! Did you see how FAT she was?!" (like I'm the only queen size mama in the whole freakin' school?)


I brushed it off, filed it in the back of my head to put spiders in the offending kid's backpack, and kept walking. Then I heard more giggling and...

"Hahaha yeah she was big! Even MY mom's not that big."

"She looks like she's going to have a baby"

"Maybe she is!"

"Nuh-UH! She's just fat. Hahahahahaha! Like a cow!"

"Shhhhh!!! She can totally hear us!" (ok, you get a free pass for that one...this time.)


I had to leave. I went back out to my car and sat there and cried. It would have hurt to hear coming from anyone's mouth, but after the last 24 hours it hurt more somehow. I just sat there and cried for about 10 minutes before I was finally brave enough to waddle back into the school.

The truth is, she was right. I AM fat. And I DO look like I'm going to have a baby. And that truth hurts. A LOT.

But you know what? That's exactly why I'm doing this journey. One. Last. Time. So that eventually when I go shopping, I can shop on the same racks as my sister. (ok, that might be a stretch...she looks like a model) So that when I go for an interview, I know they're looking more at my qualifications and my boobs than they are at the size of my stomach. So that my kids don't have to worry about having the "fat mom".

And more than anything, so that I can live.

The truth hurts, but sometimes the pain is worth it in the long run.

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26 comments:

  1. eeeeek! what an awful, painful day. one thing...i'm proud of you for sitting there and crying instead of driving to taco bell to drown that pain in a cheesy nacho bell grande...oh, wait...that's me. kudos to you for sticking with ww! i'm going to check out your looking for my feet blog.

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  2. Ouch! I'm sorry - what a lot of shitty comments to deal with at once. And ... of course I'm reading this after two days of gorging myself on Thanksgiving food. Ugh! I need to join you in your journey!

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  3. I'm a "fluffy" girl, you know, PLUS SIZE. I am really not as upset about it as I should be. I am in a happy place in my life. Would I like to be a size 10? Sure. Does it bother me at times that I am largest I have ever been? Of course. But it doesn't destroy me. But I understand the pain and disappointment you felt. Be true to you, follow your heart, and be healthy. Cheers, Lisa HUGS!

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  4. Sweetie...I'm sorry for your pain. Really. People can be horrible - regardless of age, it still hurts the same. The truth only hurts if we allow it to hurt us - if you are unhappy with where you are, it sounds like you are trying to do something about it. I haven't gotten there yet...But I will. I should. Probably about 40 pounds ago.

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  5. Yuck. Weight. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life (64 kilos) but am I exercising? Not on your life! I'm actually pretty happy with most of my life, and have been for a few years now, so I'm inclined to just be happy with (most of) how I look.

    That stomach thing though? I'm with you.... hate it.

    Those kids were absolutely rude.... but karma's a bitch. Just wait till they're a couple of decades older....

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  6. That is really awful to have to shop in a section called "oversize"- wtf!!
    Good luck with the job call.

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  7. Such a difficult struggle. It's so much work and we beat ourselves up in the meantime. It's hard to tune all that out. I'm going to check out your other blog and follow. Keep your head up.

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  8. Someday you will be as healthy as you are gorgeous.

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  9. Oh, that hurts! One of my favorite television shows is "Drop Dead Diva."
    Not just because the main actress is an intelligent attorney, but because she is on the plus size, and it doesn't matter. She is so lovely, so pleasant that one forgets there is a weight issue.
    However, there is also a health issue, so I am with you for wanting to drop some pounds. I know you are a disciplined person (you are a pretty consistent blogger/writer, are you not?) - you can do it!

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  10. Oh my friend, I can relate to this on so many counts! You are stunningly gorgeous IMHO. BUT I know they can be hollow words to hear if you don't eel that inside. Making yourself healthy is most important, if other things follow, like smaller pants size, consider that a bonus!

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  11. I read this yesterday and then ran out of time to comment, but I have been thinking of you and this post ever since then! I think you are very brave to put all this out there and for determining to make a change. Good on you! You sound like a very strong person who knows who she is. And that's saying something!

    BTW, those little girls...what snots!

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  12. Oh, honey, kids are so damn cruel. Do what you need to do to be healthy and try not to let the rest get you down. Easier said than done, I know. I can't find anything to fit either, so I've just stopped going places where jeans are not acceptable. Ought to make hubby's company Xmas party a lovely experience. *grumbles*

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  13. being healthy & having a clean heart /clear conscience is more important ...:)

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  14. Holy shit. I am so sorry! I know exactly how you feel though. I have put off getting a part time job because I'm afraid I won't get hired based on my weight. I don't really NEED the job, I just want one, because I have some spare time, but I can't get past the idea that employers are all prejudiced against fat people. And it's because they ARE. And apparently even little kids too. I think you are beautiful, so who cares what those little twerps think? I need to lose weight yesterday, before I have to get fitted for a kilt. Not looking forward to that. I've been wondering if I can get my husband to lock my in the bathroom til I starve my fat ass off.

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  15. Omigosh--you need some positive reinforcement! What a bunch of shitty kids. I would really hope your chances of getting the job are not affected by your weight. But maybe I'm naive. I love what Middle Aged Woman wrote. I'm stealing it.

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  16. Ahh, I hate snotty little shits like that! Sorry about all of it, girl. Hey, at least you're working on it, and you'll get to where you want to be if you stay strong. Don't let the nastiness mess with your mind!!!

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  17. Those little girls are assholes. I'm so so SO proud of you for trying to become healthier. I have a good friend who is trying to trim down and I know how hard it is for her. I wish you were here so I could be a support system for you too. Stay with it. It will become easier. Make sure you reward yourself for each pound (kilo) that you lose. If you have a bad week, just let it go and start again the next week. We're here for you, babe!

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  18. That was an amazing post. So brutally honest. I was sent over my Aunt Juicebox, and I'm glad she sent me. Count me as a new follower and I look forward to getting to know you.

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  19. I came over here from Aunt Juicebox, and as the official fat chick, I would have liked to say something to those girls, but in this pc society, it would probably have had me charged with verbal assault. I am proud that you are doing what works for you. Don't let this or anything else get you down.

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  20. I was sent over by Aunt Juicebox. What a powerful post. I'm a new follower! I'm going to check your other blog, too...

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  21. Here by way of Aunt Juicebox.

    You and Bacon have motivated me into doing something about myself..for me. So I can feel better.

    I'm old and tired, but if you live close I sure would like to take care of those brats... I think I might still be able to kick a kids ass.

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  22. I came over from Bacon is my Lover and just couldn't leave without saying something. While I've never been fluffy, heavy or whatever you want to call it, I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I'm skinny. I'm 5'3" and weigh in the 90's. I know that seems to you like it is wonderful. But, it's not. While I'm not really unhappy about it, I get comments too. And people say it to my face, things like, "You are SO skinnnyyy." That is really no different than me walking up to someone and saying, "You are SO fat." And then other times, "you look sick" and people think I have anorexia. As far as the little girls, they are just that. They've probably not learned all their manners yet. Our pastor and his wife are heavy. I take my three 1/2 year old granddaughter to church on Sundays and one Sunday about the time she turned three, she said to me, talking about our pastor, "he's fat". I replied that yes, he is heavy but that it wasn't nice to say things about people and such.

    Putting weight aside, I have a feeling that you are a beautiful person inside and I'm so sorry you've been hurt. Keep your chin up and plug away at your goal.

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  23. Ok, first off.. I've seen your picture and you are NOT a cow. So shut up.

    Secondly, I know what you mean about shopping. I'm in the same boat, I usually leave dressing rooms either in tears or close to it. It sucks to not be able to just pick something off the rack and have it fit.

    Thirdly, tell me those kid's names and I'll punch them in the face. I have no shame. ;)

    Good luck with the weight loss journey. You can totally do this.

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