Monday, February 1, 2010

It's because I taste so damn good!

There, that title should bring a few more pervs out of the woodwork. You can never have too many pervs really can you? As long they're not leaving me those long-winded comments in some random Asian language that I can't understand but that link to porn sites, I'm fine with them stopping by. Maybe I'll learn something I didn't already know.

Anytasty....the reason I've called you all here today is to talk about my apparently tasty qualities. It's really the only conclusion I can come to for what has been happening.

Since I was a young girl, I have loved animals. I've mentioned this before....my adoration for the animals of the world and the desire to love and help them all. I've worked in pet stores, owned animals and helped to look after other people's. So given that, WHY do they keep biting me?

When I was much younger (about 10 or 11 I think?), I stopped to say hello to a horse in a field. He gave me all the right "come hither" vibes and even batted his eyelashes at me. I had some sort of food on me (like that comes as a shock?) and offered it to him in the hopes that he would love me more. He sure did! He took my whole bloody hand into his mouth and then promptly bit me. On the middle finger. Maybe he was trying to teach me a lesson of some sort?


Not too many years later we were living in Wales - land of the sheep and dodgy blokes doing creepy things with sheep. As I was walking down the street, I came across two HUGE cats hissing and growling at each other. They were clearly vicious and demented and I was wary as I approached them.


I could see that the larger one was unimpressed with me; I was obviously getting too close to his prey. I had a destination in mind though and being the lazy person that I am, I kept going. The next thing I know, claws are embedded in my leg, I'm yelling and trying to shake it off. But it hung on and carried on hissing at it's enemy. I finally escaped and made my way home. As I walked in the door I started to tell my mother what had happened. Maybe she could call the zoo and get them removed before they mauled some poor unsuspecting old woman! I pulled up my pant leg and was confronted by a beautiful set of puncture wounds and blood running down my leg. It's a surprise that I could even WALK! It's a wonder that these animals aren't required to be tagged and wear signs. I would hate for someone else to get savaged by....


...a kitten. I'm so ashamed.

Fast forward about 7 more years and I'm living in Auckland, New Zealand with my family. I worked in a pet store in a mall. I spent my days helping people pick cat foods and save their fish. I encouraged mothers to buy goldfish and fathers to buy beer to cope with the whining. And I learned how to train ferrets. Fun! I trained them to go from nippy little bastards to sweet snuggly little lovelies.


So, of course, when a guy who looked like he belonged in the backwoods of Hickville, Kentucky with his Uncle Daddy, complete with overalls and mullet, came in looking for guidance in how to re-home his ferrets, I nearly jumped on him to hump his leg from here to kingdom come.

He agreed to let me have them and their cage. I was over the freakin' moon.

Now, keep in mind that I knew a lot about ferrets and their care and their natural instincts. All information that somehow remained in my brain under my goddamn pillow the next morning when I went out to see these lovely creatures who had received virtually NO training or handling. These fuzzballs who had not yet had their breakfast.

I opened the cage and pulled one out for cuddles. As I held him at waist level and cooed at him, he suddenly decided that my face looked rather appetizing and jumped.

SONOFABISCUIT THAT HURT!!!!!

Something you may not know about ferrets is that when they bite, their jaw locks. Sound fantastic, no?

As you can imagine, I started screaming my ever lovin' head off. My mom and step-dad came running. My sister, who was about 8 at the time, stood in the doorway yelling. The ferret hung off my face like a big fuzzy icicle.

My mother tried to pry its jaws apart. I kept screaming. My step-dad tried to wring its scrawny little neck until it passed out enough to pull it off. I screamed "DON'T KILL IT!". Finally, they managed to get it off my face and I was taken to lay on the table of a very gorgeous doctor while he flushed out a nice set of puncture wounds on my face so that I didn't get lock jaw myself.

It took me awhile to stop seeing ferrets like this...


Which bring us to present day and my mother's cat. It's a lovely wee Burmese and as we've owned this breed before and had them be very very sweet, it was quite a shock to meet him. He's a complete freakin' psycho. I am currently sporting a bruise on my left boob where he bit me. He's definitely the nastiest pussy I've ever met.

Now I've been told that all these creatures are crazy, but I prefer to tell myself that it's because I'm delumptious (thanks to Boy Spawn for that word!). My question for all of you now is this.

HOW DO I STOP THEM EATING ME?!?!

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22 comments:

  1. I'm not sure how to make them stop biting you but those were some funny stories!

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  2. I had a whole comment all ready and then I read 'He's definitely the nastiest pussy I've ever met.' and lost my mind.

    My dirty dirty mind.

    Bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa

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  3. As I am typing this with a sizeable parrot bite on my thumb you understand that I am not the best person to ask... I am under the impression that I am just too tasty too!

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  4. Aha - we specialise in strange animals in Wales. It was probably a puma ;-)

    Stumbled over your comment at @eloh. Fantastic isn't she? Your name gave me turn ... I thought that I'd posted a comment in my sleep.

    Mad x

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  5. Jeez woman, I think maybe you need to stop being an animal person. If it makes you feel better, I've been bitten by cats, dog, ferrets, birds and lizards. And I keep going back for more too.

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  6. Good way to start the article. Got my attention.

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  7. You must just smell good and all that sweet talking, they just have to get a taste!

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  8. Not to laugh at your misfortune but I'm pointing and laughing at you right now. That's just some funny stuff.

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  9. Good heaven, lady! The only thing I would suggest is steer clear of them!

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  10. There must be some type of "animal be gone" you could buy and carry around in your pocket.

    I think you're the first person I've ever "met" who's been bitten in the face by a ferrett. Kuddos!

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  11. Ummmmm? Stay away from animals? The only animal that ever bit me bought me dinner first.

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  12. I don't know the answer either but I keep my distance from animals unless I know them really well!

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  13. No recent animal bites, but funny story about my daughter's new hedgehog. Over the weekend, I had her cuddled up against my chest, she had snuggled up against my dirty pillows (remember that one from Carrie?). Life was good, right up until I sniffed, which startled her and caused her roll into a ball and stick me with her quills. If anyone has ever had any desire to have sex in hay, just borrow yourself a hedgehog and you'll realize it's not such a good idea. I was thankful that my dirty pillows are real and not fake, because they would have leaked out all of their saline or whatever they have.

    Anyway, once I calmed down from being stuck with a million sharp quills, and quit cussing like a sailor, the hedgehog disengaged. No problem, no blood, no foul.

    Until last night when my boobs started itching and I started scratching, then I realized I had SCABS from that little shit. Not big scabs, but hay cut scabs. WTF? Really?

    Sorry for the long post, but your bruise from your mom's cat reminded my of my own injury.

    Hope you start feeling better and tasting worse.

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  14. I've always lubbed me some animals. Somehow, I never have been eaten. I would think it would be because the little suckers know I WOULD kill em' if they bit me. Maybe, that's your thing. They know you wont hurt em, so they can do whatever they want to hurt you.

    Or, it could be the donuts in your pocket. ;)

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  15. Gee. The Animal Kingdom really can't stand you....

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  16. You are a riot. Such a funny post! So much for being well-meaning, I guess. Those ungrateful animals!

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  17. My cats hiss at me every day. Isn't that their way of saying I Love You? No?

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  18. I have the same problem with sports balls. My nose is a magnet to them. Basketballs, baseballs, volleyballs, etc.

    Ohhhhh. I so want a couple of ferrets. We had one growing up. But hubs is not an animal lover.

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  19. Simple - you must bite them first. Show them who's boss!

    (and delumptious is my new favorite word!)

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Show me some love people.....you know you want to!