Weiners - Part 2...with some beans!

And now for the rest of the questions that y'all asked me. I'm sure you're just dying to hear the answers eh?

Aunt Juicebox from Bacon Is My Lover and Dual Mom from We're At Dad's That Week wanted to know "What do you miss most about Canada, and what about your new home makes it feel like the right decision?"

Aha! What's funny is that I was just talking about this yesterday. Well, the first part of the question anyway. Obviously I miss my friends and family a LOT, but you know what I just realised in a big way? I desperately miss Costco. I really do. I can't just walk into a cavernous building and pick up 20 gallons of mayonnaise for $7.00 anymore. I can't go shopping on a Saturday morning having not yet fed my children breakfast and have them eat for free, solely from the samples being doled out by the sullen and slightly unhygienic "sample studs" placed strategically around the store. And that makes me sad.

As for what makes me feel like we made the right decision in moving here - Um, did I mention I had Christmas in the summer? Or that my spawn have more freedom to grow as children and explore the areas around us? Or that the lifestyle is healthier in general and it's rubbing off on me? Yeah. All that.

Alex from Whoa-Mumma (I don't have a link yet, her blog has disappeared) wanted to know "If you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for (and no never ending wishes cos that's cheating)?"

Hm. That's a tough one. And I totally thought of never ending wishes, but seeing as you're being mean and not letting me use it, I'll have to actually use my rapidly melting brain and think.

Ok. I'd wish for a rockin' body, an income of a million dollars a year, and health for my family and me for life.

Running Professor, loving and doting husband of our beloved Moonspun from Moonspun Spins wanted to know "If you were alone in a dark and haunted forest, what is one thing you'd take with you? And you already have a chocolate bar in your pocket."

I was going to be all cheeky and say something snarky like "umm....duh....a flashlight?!" but then I thought that given that he's a prof, he might be looking for something a little more in depth and possibly in the form of a thesis. And then I thought, but I slept through most of my last two years of high school and just kind of cruised through (with top marks) my college diploma course so he ain't gonna get that. There's also the whole problem of it being late on a Friday night and I just spent the day melting in the heat. So, I'm going to go with this....

Umm. Duh. A flashlight?!

And then there's the aforementioned Moonspun from...um...Moonspun Spins (you got a double mention! lucky girl) who wanted to know "What surprises you most about being a mom?".

This was a hard one for me to answer. Pretty much everything about being a mom surprises me, not least of which is the fact that ...well... I'm a mom! The way they climb into bed and snuggle up with me, the cute little kisses they dole out and the way they tell me they love me....all fill my heart with so much love that I never even dreamed was possible. The way my heart breaks when someone has hurt them in some way and the way I wish I could get vengeance for those hurts but have to restrain myself. I'm constantly surprised at the reserves of patience that I have to delve into some days and even more surprised at the things that come out of my mouth that I swore that I would never say when I became a mom. But most of all, I think I'm surprised that the universe has entrusted me with the well being of these two gorgeous little souls, to bring them up and mould them into good, productive people. I'm surprised by the honour that that task brings with it.

Monique a.k.a Surferwife from A Day In The Life Of A Surferwife wanted to know "If you had to choose, would you rather use the same towel after your shower without ever washing it again OR sleep on the same sheets forever without washing?"

So, once I finished throwing up a little in my mouth (which, by the way, is never fun but especially when you had baked potatoes for dinner) and quit gagging, I was able to think about this a little bit. And I still didn't like it. Monique, you're an evil person...and yet ridonculously funny. It's a good thing I love ya! I think I'll have to go with never washing my towel. I LOVE fresh sheets and don't think I could do that. I've been known to let it go a tad longer than it should but never washing the sheet is beyond me. The towel on the other hand? I think I'd have to employ the ol' "oops, it fell in the shower and got wet and soapy and scrubbed somehow" ploy.

BlueViolet from A Nut in a Nutshell wanted to know "What is the biggest mistake you've made in life?"

Hoooooo. I try very very hard not to look back at my life and think of anything as a "mistake" because that then makes me feel like I should regret it, and I've reached a point in my life where I acknowledge that everything that has happened in my life has led to other things, so I really can't regret any of it. Had you asked me this question a few years ago, I would have said that leaving New Zealand in 2001 to go back to Canada was one of the biggest mistakes because I left my sister behind when she was just 10, so I missed out on all the years between 10 and 19. BUT!! Had I not gone back, I would never have met Hotty Hubby and had my two beautiful children. I can't imagine life without them.

One of my new life mottoes (that just looks wrong, but the dictionary assures me it's spelled right!) is "never look back with regret". I'm trying to live by that.

Mumma Boo of Mumma Boo x 2 wanted to know "If you woke up one morning with the ability to fly, would you tell anyone or keep it a secret?".

Much as it would seem to be one of those things you'd keep a secret, I think the first time I launched myself off a building and didn't turn into cat food on the pavement, my secret would be out. Unless I can combine this superpower with my ability to become invisible..in which case the secret will be kept.

Meg (who totally stole my name, I swear!) from Just Another Manic Mommy wanted to know "If you could go to Disney World with any celebrity alive today, who would it be?"

Ohhhh I was totally going to go with my age old answer of Shemar Moore but then I thought it would be much more fun to go with someone like Jimmy Fallon because he's hilarious, or Johnny Depp because I could take him on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and it would be awesome. Although I hear Miley Cyrus can shut down Disney just because she wants to be there, so maybe I'll take her. I could ditch her part way through right?

And last but not least.....

Brandice from Bucket of Walnuts wanted to know "Do you think there is anything to the "condition/issue" of "Middle Child Syndrome", or is that just a made up term several people I know use?".

Do you want the PC answer or my answer? Oh right! This is the game where we ask ME anything, so you get my answer.

I think it's bullshit that people who ARE middle children made up because Mommy & Daddy didn't love them enough to bow to their every whim.

Ok, so that answer was a bit tongue in cheek because I don't want to offend too many of you, but you get the point. I'm the oldest, by 11 years, in my family so I wouldn't have any idea what being a middle child is like. My answer aside though, I think you should totally milk that middle child crap for all it's worth!

That's a wrap lovers! Maybe we'll play this game again sometime!

Weiners - Part 1

It's been one of those weeks people. One of those weeks. You all know the kind of week I'm talking about. The ones where you wish you'd never bothered getting out of that one morning that started it all off. Yeah. That kind.

Nothing horrible has happened, I just feel like there hasn't been much time to come up for air. I've done hardly any reading of all your blogs, I haven't posted here, and I've not finished my book. *sigh* I just checked my Google Reader and just about died. There are 257 posts sitting there waiting to be read. On the one hand, I want to just sit here all afternoon and ignore the bleating of the spawn as they beg for food as if I haven't fed them in days as opposed to minutes, but I can't do that. So I need to either be ruthless and hit that dreaded "Mark all as read" button, which I hate to do, or I need to be selective and only read some of them. I'm leaning towards the evil button because I don't want to have to choose.

Anylame....Boy Spawn is currently defying all seasonal cues and ignoring the hearts and frills that have sprung up all over town in favour of Valentines Puke and is vegging out and watching The Polar Express. Whatever keeps him busy while Girl Spawn is out I guess. It does give me time to finally announce the "winners" of the question game we played. I say "winners" with the air quotes and sarcasm because really, you ain't winning much....just some little Kiwi stuff and my lurve. Aren't you glad?

**I ended up with 17 questions, so I'm going to split this into two parts.**

So. As picked by the Hotty Hubby. I gave him a list of all the questions with no names attached and told him to pick his top 3. And he did. If you three can send me your mailing address, I'll get your stuff out to you! Here you go:

Weiner #1 - Shazzy from Broome Blunders & Brilliance. She asked "What would be the first thing you would do if you were invisible?".

Great question Shazzy! I'm sure the answer is probably one that occurred to many of you. I'd strip naked and run around shaking my tits at everyone. Because they wouldn't be able to see all the bumps and lumps, or even the tits, this would be exceptionally fun. And then I'd pants them all

Weiner #2 - Sus from Joy Is Everywhere. She asked "What is one thing you have always wanted to do in life, but have been too scared to try?".

Hoooo boy! This required some major thinking! I always wanted to gather the guts and motivation to actually finish, and put together, all the stories I've written over the years....put them into a book and submit it to a publisher. But I'm terrified of rejection. So I keep it here, along with the kids book I started, and it does nothing. Maybe when I'm old and grey.

Weiner #3 - Dto3 from Football, Ballet and Beer. He asked "Other than me, of course, who you most likely be willing to leave your husband for, knowing that as soon as you did, all you'd have is each other because you'd now be dead broke?".

Buahahaha!! I laughed so hard at this one, mostly because I've said for years that if a hot black guy with an Irish accent showed up at my door and asked me to leave with him, I'd be gone. I'm not entirely sure how much I was kidding. I guess we'll find out when it happens eh? But in the meantime, how about I just go with Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds. I don't give a gnats fanny how broke we'd be....I could look at his face forever. Of course, if I can't have Shemar, I'm more than happy to leave for you Dto3!

*drool*

Noelle at Elastic Waistbands and Comfortable Shoes (oh how I love that blog title) asked, "If you could go on a road trip with any person, dead or alive, who would you go with and where would you go?".

Y'know, I was going to pick someone famous but seeing as I've already run off with Shemar Moore, I think he covers my celeb bases. (And he'd totally get all the way to a home run with me!) So I pick my little sister. She's 19, she's awesome, and I don't know her nearly as well as I should, so a road trip would be great! As for where we'd go? I think we'd start with a tour of the USA because we've only been to a couple places, and then we'd go re-discover Europe.

Kys over at Stir-Fry Awesomeness asked, "What is the most embarrassing thing that you've ever done (drunk or sober)?".

Oh honey, I haven't got enough time in the world to fully and properly answer this question. But let me delve into the deep, dark recesses of my memory banks and see what I can find. Ok. I got suspended from school when I was 16. Not embarrassing enough? Ok. It was a boarding school. I started there in only the 2nd year that girls had EVER been at the school. Still not enough? I was suspended because my boyfriend at the time decided it would be an incredibly bright idea to sneak from his boarding house to mine in the middle of the night and climb through my window to visit. We were suspended because that same boyfriend, being an assclam, decided to leave a muddy footprint on my windowsill on one of his visits (that I never declined, for the record) and the next morning my House Mistress, finding my bedroom curtains closed when they should be open, opened my curtains and FOUND said footprint. The embarrassing part? Being taken from chapel on Sunday morning, to the Deputy Head Master's office where I had to 'fess up to my actions. Of course, we were spoken to separately so I had NO idea what boyfriend/assclam was admitting to or not. For my part? I chose to admit nothing other than the fact that he had indeed been in my room and that ALL we did was talk. *snort* Turns out that he did the same. Phew! We got suspended for a week, our parents were not terribly impressed. Mine had to come across to England from Germany to get me, and his dad said "Well, if you were going to get caught, I hope you had fun". The MOST embarrassing part? Finding out that we had been referred to, by staff members, as "sexual miscreants and deviants". Fun times people, fun times! And I was SOBER!

Lisa from The World According 2 Lisa asked "You are told you have won a trip. All the tickets & paperwork are taken care of, but all you cane take is (a) 10 items in a small travel pack and (b) wear a max of 8 items on the plane (socks = one pair, glasses count). What do you wear & pack?"

Well, you didn't tell me where I was going, so I decided I won a tropical trip to Bali. Which is great because it makes packing SO much easier.

Wear: Flip Flops, Glasses, Sarong, Tank top, 2 pairs of underwear, bra and jacket. I figured if I wore 2 pairs of undies, I could wash one and wear one.

Pack: Soap, Toothbrush, Toothpaste, 2 books, my iPod, another sarong, bathing suit, tank top, and a picture of my new beau - Shemar.

Kerrie over at The Mini Van Soap Box wanted to know "What brand of underwear do you wear?".

Erm. *cough* Um. Are you making a pass at me? I wear the cheapest brand I can find at whatever store is closest, in the biggest quantities I can buy at the time. But if you have a better suggestion, I'm happy to listen.

More questions in a couple days folks!

Mad Woman A.K.A Slacker Bitch

**I haven't forgotten to announce the winners of the "Ask Madwoman Anything" game, I am just waiting on the decision from my impartial judge. Update coming soon**

If you've been keeping up with all the peeps taking part in the Lose It Bitch challenge, you may have noticed a distinct lack of update on that front over here. Or not. Whatevs. Here's the thing, most people doing the challenge are following the rules and doing their weigh ins and updates on Sunday or Monday. But I weigh in at Weight Watchers on a Wednesday evening. So by the time Sunday rolls around, I can barely remember what my kids' names are, let alone the fact that I should be doing my update.

So. Being the super awesome rebel that you all know and adore, I'm breaking the rules. I will no longer do my updates on Sunday or Monday. I will do mine on Thursdays. Which is Wednesday where you are. Most of you. Never mind that, just remember that I'll be doing my updates on a different day. I know. Who cares right?

What this DOES mean, is that I technically started this 3 days before the rest of you. But it also means that I will be ending this 3 days before you as well. So it all evens out. So I've stood on the scale 4 times now....compared to your 3. Make sense?

Anybitch, here's my update for last week AND this week...all in one magnificent Lose It Bitch edition.

So last week, I ate ridiculous things and barely exercised. The night before my WW weigh in I went for a fast paced 8km walk which quite literally saved my ass. Unfortunately, as a result of my poor choices through the week, I only lost 300 grams. That's 0.66 lbs. Here's the proof pic.

This week? I made slightly better food choices, I did a couple workouts on the Wii and drank more water. So I lost 1 kg. That's 2.2 lbs.

More pic proof.

I will do better this week. More walking. Better food choices.

*~*~*~*

You can also find me over at Looking For My Feet, where I explore the reasons for some of the choices we make and how it cascades down in our lives.

Google Search Term of the Week? - Vintage hairy MILF - Yeah. I think this comes into the "ummmmm" category, no?

It's like the search for the Holy Grail. Only more humiliating. And less Knights that say "Ni!"

Having now had this here blog for two years (!!), I realise that I have not yet completed my quest for global domination humiliation. I have shared tales with you that should have made you run for the hills screaming "Please don't let anyone know I kinda sorta know her", but instead you pulled up a chair, made some popcorn and kicked back with a beer or six. This is all totally fine with me as long as you aren't leaving a mess. We had to give Cape Cod Gal a bib because she kept dripping ketchup off her corn dogs.

I realised today that it had been awhile since we'd done a "Hahahah look at her!" post and then I was over visiting Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka and she was all smacking us in the face with the gauntlet and issuing challenges like she hadn't a care in the world. She has challenged us interwebber folks to a duel. A duel!! I know. Except we don't get to play with swords or even shoot each other in the back. Nay! This is a duel of a different sort.

See, she got all brave 'n' stuff and posted a bunch of pics from back in the day. THEN she realised that she just put it all out there and we'd all be sitting there thinking that how glad we were it wasn't us. But she's a smart cookie that Aunt Becky. So she issued her duel, her challenge, her well worded double dog dare. And we all know that most of us can't walk away from that. Ok. I can't walk away from that. Whatever.

And so, I present to you.....my AWESOMENESS in picture form. Yeah that's right. I rocked the 80s and 90s.


Circa 1983 - 4 years old. Mouth open. I queried whether I was yelling at the camera and my father said "No....just practising to be a mother."

Circa April 1986 - The back of this picture was labelled "A new haircut, why so solemn?" SERIOUSLY people? I dunno. I'm told it's the "Dorothy Hamell" cut and that everyone had them. Don't I look lovely? And happy?

Really, where could I go from there? But Aunt Becky issued a challenge and a challenge I shall meet!

THIS? This is why people are scared of clowns!

1989. Ruffles and plaid and glasses, OH MY! And check out the spiffy hair peeps. Woo!

Oh. Emm. Gee! (said in a very tween voice). White socks and black shoes? Glasses that dwarf the face. "Singin' In the Rain" pose. Schmexy no?

Let's skip ahead a few years shall we? Circa 1993/1994...this was either my 14th or 15th birthday. I'm not sure why I look so very sullen...but I'm pretty sure that was a normal look for me around then.

Oooh! I found a happy one. First day of starting my new school. - 1995. A boarding school. A military boarding school. I learned how to use a sword there. That's about all I learned.

I actually did a post like this not long after I started this blog....you can check out some other time warp pictures HERE.

Now that we're all done playing with the Wayback Machine through Mad Woman's life, I hope that some other of you will take up Aunt Becky's challenge!!

Because this is more important...

I had a whole other post planned for today. It was a little bit funny, a little bit witty and whole lot of weird. But then a massive earthquake, measuring 7.0 on the scale, hit Haiti and the country is reeling. I'm sure you've heard about it. If you haven't, you've been living under a rock.

So, I decided to skip my meaningless post and talk about this instead. Don't worry, I won't take up too much of your time because I would far rather you were off doing something to help these people than sitting here reading my crap.


The devastation is incredible. The Presidential Palace has toppled. The death toll is rising. Bodies are having to be piled along the roadsides. Men, women and children are being pulled out from underneath the rubble every minute. Sadly, many of them are no longer living.

The question many of us have been asking is "But what can we do?". Well my friends, I'll tell you. You could find most of this information by doing a Google search, but it's a little overwhelming...so let me save you some time.

** The Huffington Post has a list of ways that you can help, places where you can donate and will continue updating about the events in Haiti. Their most recent update tells us the death toll is around 50,000 people. Click HERE to read the update and see a few of the ways you can help.

** The Pioneer Woman does giveaways all the time. Today she's doing a different kind of giveaway. Leave a comment on THIS POST and at the deadline, she'll do a draw from all the comments and give $500 to the relief effort charity of YOUR choice. Awesome right? But wait! There's more! She is also giving 10 cents PER comment to the relief efforts. It'll be split between the top 3 charities mentioned in the comments. If you consider that on a normal day, The Pioneer Woman averages around 10,000 comments (from what I've seen), that's a fair chunk of change. When I last checked, she was almost at 12,000 comments. So. Get on over there and leave a comment won't you?

** CNN has a list of way you can help, as well as a list of organizations that are providing support to this country in distress. Click HERE to check it out!

** Doctors Without Borders, who have been on the ground since before the earthquake, have a link on their front page to donate directly. Click HERE.

** The Salvation Army, with branches all over the world, has links on all their front pages for you to donate. Please search for your country if I haven't listed it below.

USA
Canada
New Zealand
Australia
UK

There are soooo many ways to help out. Even if you can't help financially, please check out some of these organizations and see if there is another way to help....collecting stuff for packages etc.

And failing all else? Spread the word. Think some positive thoughts or say a few prayers for these people. They need everything we can give them.

A request, a game and a prize!

The Request (sounds ominous doesn't it?)

We need to talk y'all. It is exceedingly important that we have a chat about this topic because I fear that if we don't, if we continue down this road unchecked, that I may have to come and shave your eyebrows off. Understand?

I have been happily watching my readership stats go up, up, up in the last few weeks. I have no idea why...I assume it's because I've been stalking more people and humping more legs than I usually do...but I'm grateful nonetheless. With increased readers comes additional comments which makes a comment whore like me go "Squeeee!!" with delight.

All those comments come pouring into my inbox and I get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside (probably a lot like the one Richard Gere gets when he plays with hamsters...but less scratchy). But then when I go to reply to your comments and tell you how much I love you and want to be your best friend, I find I can't for most of you. And that makes me sad. Despondent even. It's not a fun time in the Mind of a Mad Woman when that happens. And then I get all pissy and don't bother replying to anyone and that just makes me seem like more of a bitch than I really am. We don't want that. Do we?

SO! I would like to make a request (drenched in vanilla sweetness and oodles of bribery) that y'all do something for me, if you feel so inclined. Which you will. Because you love me. You love me right? RIGHT?!!? Could you all please make sure that you have your Blogger settings right so that when I hit "reply to this most fantastical comment", it doesn't come up with the most annoying thing in the world:

noreply-comment@blogger.com

It's a really easy fix, I swear it is!! All you have to do is follow the lovely instructions that Lee from Headaches, Hormones & Hot Flashes set out in this post HERE

Alright, I know some of you are lazy like me and can't be bothered to click over to see what it says, so (and I hope Lee will forgive me) I will just copy the bit that tells you what to do.

1. Go to your Dashboard on Blogger dot com.
2. Hit your edit profile, right next to your picture, avatar or whatever else you have showing.
3. Scroll down to the line that says : Show my email address and CHECK THE BOX.
4. Hit save.

Now, for those of you who do not want a regular email address to show, go to Gmail, Yahoo or any other number of places and get a FREE, yes FREE, email account and set it up

Please? Pretty please?

The Game (we needed something fun after all that)

I really can't take credit for this idea. It's been done a million times on two million blogs. But it was Moonspun that I most recently remember doing it ... so, because my creative juices are running a tad low this week (leading me to ask for inspiration on Twitter), we're going to play the game too.

From now until Sunday the 17th, you can ask me questions. Anything. Anything at all. And I'll do my best to answer them. You can leave the questions here in the comments or you can email me at

mindofamadwoman at hotmail dot com

And at the END of the week, I'll have an impartial source pick the best three questions. First place will win a big bunch of Kiwi stuff. Second and third place will win a smaller amount. Goodies people, Goodies!!

I can't really think of any boundaries for the questions which means that there probably aren't any. Should make it easy for you all.

GO!

*****

You can also find me over at Looking For My Feet....yakking away about the power of words.

This is what happens when you ask for inspiration

People think that we have the best life but I think we need to set some things straight. Sure, it's kind of cool hanging out all day just enjoying the breeze and not really doing anything, but it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

Small children love to grab us. I can be just walking through the house, minding my own business, and the next thing I know there's a hand on me and I'm being pulled. It doesn't feel good! And my brothers and sisters have it bad too. Petting zoos, houses, out on the street.....those little rugrats just don't know when to keep their damn hands to themselves.

People pay WAY too much attention to the way we hold ourselves. If I'm up, it's a good thing. If I'm down, it's a bad thing. If I tuck myself between a pair of legs, people get all concerned. What the hell do you want people?? And could you stop getting all excited and acting like an idiot when I go side to side? It's really embarrassing to watch.

My cousins, out in the fields, get crapped on ALL the time. Seriously...the shit is not proverbial out there! It's a real issue. And then there's the flies. They swarm and they sit and they lay eggs and then some asshole thinks it's a great idea to come and pull them all off and they're not gentle! But really the shit is the second worst thing about our lives. Once you have shit on you, it's hard to get off. The smell is rank, the feeling is nasty and hardly anyone helps you. Unless you live in a house. The other folks in the house are a bit touchy about shit all over the place and you'll get thrown in a cold shower faster than you can say "ohforfucksakewhoshatonmethistime!"

The worst thing though? Sheltering assholes. You know how it is, they put themselves out there, all puckered up and ready for action and then expect you to shelter them. It's a really demeaning and annoying thing and I'm about done with it.

I think in my next life I'd like to be a pair of tits cos at least they're up front and people like to play with them....hopefully in a gentle way. This life as a tail, providing shelter to assholes the world over? It's not one I care to repeat.

****************************************

This little story of a tail was brought to you..well by me. Duh. (Fuck off! It's late as I type this!) But last night when I was brain dead and tired, I sent out a Tweet saying:

Yeah I know. Lazy cow. Whatever. Bite me. It worked...the bribery worked!!

Guarav from Random Reflections sent me back a Tweet saying:

After I'd finished pissing myself laughing, I looked at Hotty Hubby and he looked at me (because otherwise? RUDE!) and I thought "why not?!". So thanks Guarav! You gave me a giggle and you gave me a weird topic to write about.

I might have to try this tactic again! Maybe I'll make it into a contest for another giveaway ...that'd be fun eh?

OH! I almost forgot. Have I mentioned the AWESOMENESS that is Kelley at MagnetoBoldToo! lately? No? Well she is. So I suggest you go and check her out.

A decade gone, A new one to come

As we got closer and closer to the new year, I was starting to panic a bit about what I could write for my first post of the new decade. It's been almost two years since I started this here blog. Two years ago I had one million followers. Today, I have...um....more. And I'm thankful for all of you. Which is why I'm going to spare you the list of resolutions that never changes from year to year. I was going to do the meme that Aunt Becky did, but couldn't figure out how to answer any of the questions. Lame, I know.

Instead, I give you a decade in review. And I might throw in a few goals at the end. Goals, mind you, not resolutions.

~*~*~*~

In the year 2000 (am I the only one who hears Conan right now? You know, like THIS video? I probably am) I was a capricious young woman living in Auckland, NZ and dating a guy that drove a Porsche. A cherry red Porsche. It was beautiful and it drove like a dream. I thought I was the shit every time I sat in that car. And I totally was. Except for one thing. The guy who owned the car? 8 years my senior and still living in his mommy's basement, getting her to cook his meals and do his laundry. The guy pulled in over 100K every year EASY and yet.....well yeah. Looking back, I realise he wasn't that interesting or attractive. But he drove a freakin' PORSCHE!!

As the year progressed, I moved from living in my boss's basement to living with a friend and, as it turned out, her lazy ass boyfriend who liked to abuse my cat and not pay any bills. Fun times people!

I spent Christmas that year getting drunk and playing strip poker with a tall, gorgeous guy named Matt who happened to wander into the pet store I worked in.

**

By the time 2001 rolled around and had proved to NOT be the Space Odyssey we'd all been promised, we'd all realised how ludicrous we looked the previous year, stocking up on everything in sight in case the world should come to an explosive and technology provoked end.

For my part, I had somehow reached the conclusion that I was decidedly unhappy living in Auckland with my family down in another part of the country. Instead of moving down to be nearer to them, I hightailed it back to my country of origin...Canada. I arrived in February and lived with my dad. By the end of July I had met the man who would eventually be my husband and a week later he moved in with me.

By October we were engaged. By mid-November I was pregnant - oops!. In December we disappointed his family and told them both things. Merry Christmas future in laws! No, I swear I'm not a whore!

**

2002 saw me marrying the man of my heart. I was 8 months pregnant and you could almost hear the chk-chk of the shotgun. I looked like a hippo in a sundress and he looked...well ... 12.

A month later, at 23 years old, I became the mother to a beautiful baby girl. I felt like the luckiest woman on the face of the Earth. She was cute (for a wrinkly, screaming, pink bundle), she was healthy and she was MINE.

**

In 2003, I was enjoying being a stay at home mom, and was yearning for another baby. I always wanted 4 or 5 kids, but Hotty Hubby was content to just have none two. By mid-November I found out I was pregnant. Again. Halloween is good to us!

**

2004 saw the one of the lowest points of the decade for me. Hotty Hubby and I separated. I had somehow convinced myself that there was no return from our few problems and that Girl Spawn and I would be better alone. I felt like I was drowning and that there was no rescue. So we went our separate ways. I refused counselling. So now I was 24, with a toddler, separated from my husband of 18 months, pregnant and without a fucking clue as to what I was doing.

In August, our son was born. All the old feelings came flooding back. Here I was holding another precious soul in my arms. But this time, something was missing. Sure I had my daughter (now 2) and my beautiful baby boy.....but one integral part of my life was missing. And I had finally realised it. Took long enough eh?

We went to counselling. We worked on things. We spent time together and with the kids. We worked it out.

**

February 2005 saw Hotty Hubby's official return. Honestly...that was the best thing about that whole year. So I'm gonna leave it there.

**

In 2006 I went back to school to get a Diploma in Legal Office Administration. In 2007 I graduated and got a job at a law firm. The work was fantastic. The boss? Not so much. I'm pretty sure that's about when I started using the word Asshat with any regularity. (Definition: One who has head so far up ass that one is wearing ass as a hat. Asshat.) So I quit in a fit of "I'm stupid and think I don't need your stinking job when in fact I actually do but I'd never admit that to you so I'm going to walk out and pretend everything's ok". Quite possibly one of the stupidest things I've ever done, but I don't regret it really. There's just so many times you can let someone stand and tell you you're stupid when you know you're not.

**

2008 was another hard year. I lost some people who I thought were good friends, and went through another tough time with HH. He and I came out the other side stronger than ever, but the friendships were gone for good. Looking back, I realise they likely weren't meant to be, but at the time it hurt like hell. The silver lining (because if you look hard enough, there usually is one), is that I met the wonderful woman that I lovingly refer to as Ginger Rug. Not only did she become one of the best friends I have ever had and likely will ever have, but she taught me a lot about myself. Through her, I learned how to love myself, be true to myself, and how to be more present in a more positive way for my family. I will always treasure the friendship that we have, even with all the miles between us now.

It also saw us making the decision to leave Canada and move to New Zealand. While this wasn't as hard a decision for me to make as for hubby, it was still hard. Leaving behind family that I had reconnected with after so many years away and leaving my friends who had become very dear to me....and hubby leaving friends and family...it was all tough. But we thought it was a good decision for us and the kids.

**

2009? Whirlwind of preparations for our move and then the eventual move itself. It was sad to say goodbye to everyone but we've settled and we're happy.

I let go of my hate for the man boy coward who hurt me so badly as a girl on the precipice of adulthood. That was an even bigger step for me than deciding to move across the world. And it felt GREAT.

**

There's been a lot of ups and downs in the last decade. But we've come out on top. This year saw the 9th New Year's Eve for HH and me. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

So what about the next decade?

Hubby and I will continue the hard work that goes into our marriage. It is bloody hard work sometimes but it's worth it. I love that man and he loves me. Divorce (in the words of Will Smith) is NOT an option. I hope that I never have to eat those words, but right now we both mean it whole heartedly.

I will keep working on a healthier me. I'm not going to churn out the pithy, cliche resolution of years past saying that I am going to lose weight. That isn't it. I want to be healthy. Whether I lose 20, 50 or 100 pounds, HEALTH is my main goal. Physical AND mental.

I will love my children every day. There are many days when I don't like them a whole lot and have considered buying a cage for them, but I love them daily. I will try to support them in their decisions. It scares me to think that by the time we're ringing in 2020, my children will be 17 and 15. But I look forward to it.

Embrace the new, put away the old.

From my family.....


.....to yours - May the next decade be a great one. And may you never find frogs in your underwear.