Thursday, January 7, 2010

This is what happens when you ask for inspiration

People think that we have the best life but I think we need to set some things straight. Sure, it's kind of cool hanging out all day just enjoying the breeze and not really doing anything, but it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

Small children love to grab us. I can be just walking through the house, minding my own business, and the next thing I know there's a hand on me and I'm being pulled. It doesn't feel good! And my brothers and sisters have it bad too. Petting zoos, houses, out on the street.....those little rugrats just don't know when to keep their damn hands to themselves.

People pay WAY too much attention to the way we hold ourselves. If I'm up, it's a good thing. If I'm down, it's a bad thing. If I tuck myself between a pair of legs, people get all concerned. What the hell do you want people?? And could you stop getting all excited and acting like an idiot when I go side to side? It's really embarrassing to watch.

My cousins, out in the fields, get crapped on ALL the time. Seriously...the shit is not proverbial out there! It's a real issue. And then there's the flies. They swarm and they sit and they lay eggs and then some asshole thinks it's a great idea to come and pull them all off and they're not gentle! But really the shit is the second worst thing about our lives. Once you have shit on you, it's hard to get off. The smell is rank, the feeling is nasty and hardly anyone helps you. Unless you live in a house. The other folks in the house are a bit touchy about shit all over the place and you'll get thrown in a cold shower faster than you can say "ohforfucksakewhoshatonmethistime!"

The worst thing though? Sheltering assholes. You know how it is, they put themselves out there, all puckered up and ready for action and then expect you to shelter them. It's a really demeaning and annoying thing and I'm about done with it.

I think in my next life I'd like to be a pair of tits cos at least they're up front and people like to play with them....hopefully in a gentle way. This life as a tail, providing shelter to assholes the world over? It's not one I care to repeat.


This little story of a tail was brought to you..well by me. Duh. (Fuck off! It's late as I type this!) But last night when I was brain dead and tired, I sent out a Tweet saying:

Yeah I know. Lazy cow. Whatever. Bite me. It worked...the bribery worked!!

Guarav from Random Reflections sent me back a Tweet saying:

After I'd finished pissing myself laughing, I looked at Hotty Hubby and he looked at me (because otherwise? RUDE!) and I thought "why not?!". So thanks Guarav! You gave me a giggle and you gave me a weird topic to write about.

I might have to try this tactic again! Maybe I'll make it into a contest for another giveaway ...that'd be fun eh?

OH! I almost forgot. Have I mentioned the AWESOMENESS that is Kelley at MagnetoBoldToo! lately? No? Well she is. So I suggest you go and check her out.

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  1. I thought you were talking about balls at first......I know, I'm not too bright really.

  2. :)) A nice write-up. Atleast I will say this :)

    I am acting as a tail for quite some time now and desperately want a change.

  3. Really well done, my friend! I love it!!!

  4. Very creative writing - love it!!

  5. My first thought was balls, next penis. I'm an idiot.

    I figured it out though and it was great writing. Very creative.

  6. Very well done! You had me going there for a time, especially with the up/down/btw the legs bit.

  7. shit... I never get anything good from tweets

  8. yep...i gotta say i was thinking balls, too. sooooooo glad i wasn't the only one!

  9. LOL ... as a new reader of your blog I was wondering what I was reading for a minute there - well done!

  10. Sheltering assholes...there's gotta be a double meaning in that somewhere. lol

  11. Did I forget to drop acid before I read this??

  12. Very funny post!I've had my share of grabbing!


    You crazy chick.

    And I am hoping you weren't inferring I was an asshole. Because I am an ARSEHOLE - waaaay classier.

  14. Haha, nice way to find a topic. And nicely put. Just don't be a HUGE pair of boobs since they're nothing but a pain in the ass too.


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