Thursday, April 28, 2011

Please Let It Be Over

My brain is all over the place today. Every time I start a post, it turns into something else because it's just a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. So I decided to just let it come out and be a little bit random. Bear with me.....

This past weekend, I watched my little sister get married. Not only did she look beautiful, but she looked happy. Her husband is amazing and balances her out brilliantly. The wedding was perfect and I didn't kill myself walking in heels....mostly because we abandoned that idea in favour of flats so that people would actually be looking at the gorgeous bride instead of her giant blueberry of a sister sweating like a roast pig and in danger of passing out. It's a bit surreal to think that my sister is a wife at the ripe old age of 20 but I've never been prouder. But I'm glad it's over.

Speaking of weddings, I'm beginning to think that I am the only one who doesn't really care about this Royal wedding. Actually it's a bit beyond not caring. I'm kind of stuck in the camp that would like it to please be over as soon as possible before I throw my tv out the window. If we were playing a drinking game where we had to do shots every time someone on tv mentioned the upcoming nuptials between Prince & commoner, I'd have been dead of alcohol poisoning a long time ago. Please let it all be over. Now.

We've been enjoying school holidays for almost two weeks now. I use the word "enjoying" loosely. I came into these holidays with optimism. I was looking forward to some quality time with the kids, playing the parks and having a great time. Thing is, the weather's been shit. Total and utter. Last week wasn't so bad but the kids spent most of that at a fun holiday program in the mornings and then we spent the weekend in Wellington at the wedding of the year. This week? Craptastic. In fact, we had some mini tornadoes touch down in a town not far from here and rip roofs off houses. So, needless to say, we've been cooped up. Also fairly obviously, I'm going nuts. The kids are stir crazy and they're doing everything in their power to make me go completely gray. Please let it be over.

When we moved here, we got a $2000 Honda Accord. It was a 1989 so, given that we aren't completely stupid, we knew it was an old car and was going to need some work. What we weren't prepared for was the amount of work involved. CV joints, brake lines, brakes, new tires, CV joints again, steering, alternators, blah blah blah....we fixed them all. We borrowed cars, we went without cars, we dealt with it. The latest in this long string of stuff is that the transmission is shot. Now, if this was a new car, we might consider fixing it. But it's not and I am past giving a shit, so we are giving up. We'll soon have a slightly newer car which, if the universe is at all smart, will not give us any crap. Please let it be over.

I don't usually pay tooooo much attention to what the celebudorks are up to, but I'll be damned if Charlie "I'm Winning" Sheen isn't hard to ignore. What is wrong with the guy? And people are buying into his crap! That's what's even harder to believe. People are paying money to go and see this douche-canoe spout his bullshit on a stage, half dressed, while his "goddesses" make out behind me. Excuse me, but is there perhaps anything better your money could be spent on? Maybe next time you have an urge to spend that much money to see someone rant on about ridiculous things, you could just hand me the wad of cash? Please let it be over.

Here in New Zealand, drunk drivers are a huge problem. Because of this, they run ads all the time that are meant to combat this. Some of them are ok. But there's one that they run all the freakin' time that is driving me and Hotty Hubby crazy. Please let it be over:

And because I love you all so much....I'm going to let this post be over. Right now. You're welcome.

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Missing You

When I met your grandson back in the summer of 2001, I was smitten. We were together all the time. We spent hours walking around town, sitting in parks and coffee shops and staying up late talking. We talked about everything to do with our lives and within a week we knew we wanted to be together. But one of the things I couldn't wrap my head around was his distance from you...his grandmother.

He told me it just hadn't been the same since his mom, your daughter, died when he was 12. Well, we were now 12 year on and this distance wasn't getting any shorter. It just wouldn't do. No man of mine was going to keep his family at bay. So I told him he needed to start calling you more often. He did. I told him he needed to keep up to date on his life. He did. I told him he needed to go visit you and that if he felt like taking me with him to make introductions, that would be fine too.

So he did.

On Christmas Day.

Do you remember? I do. The looks on all your faces were priceless! He'd not only shown up when he was asked to, but he showed up with a girl in tow. Hmmm, maybe he was serious about this chick. But they'd only been together a few months.

Wait. What?!

Yeah...your expressions got even better after we announced we were already engaged.

And pregnant.

Holy crap on a stick....what was he thinking?! Um, I can tell you now that he wasn't. Neither of us was. I was so intent on getting him to mend his broken fences that I hadn't really thought through the whole process.

I have to hand it to you though. You were awesomeness personified. You welcomed me with open arms, made me feel like I belonged there and even ran around raiding other people's stockings so that you could give me something for Christmas. You fed me, you laughed with me (and AT me), and you hugged me as hard as you could when we left to go home.

I truly believe that on that Christmas night in 2001, I became a part of your family for real.

I never had a mother in law, she'd been gone for years...but you filled the part well. Over the next 9 years we laughed, we cried, we reminisced, we cried some more and hey...we laughed a LOT.

When Hotty Hubby and I separated, you didn't turn your back on me and the kids. If anything, you held on tighter. When we reconciled, you celebrated just as much as we did. You were there for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter and many more inconsequential days.

I never told you, but you were a huge influence in my life and the way I live it. You gave me courage and made me realise it just didn't matter what other people thought of me. Your opinion was important to me.

When we started talking about moving to New Zealand, the biggest obstacle for me was you. I hated the idea of leaving you behind. We knew that you weren't going to be around forever and that if we left, we'd likely never see you again. We almost changed our minds but then you turned the tables. You gave us your blessing and sent us on our way. I will be eternally grateful for that.

Last week, we heard you were in hospital. Again. My heart started to break. Again. I prayed and hoped and crossed every cross-able appendage in an effort to convince whatever Powers That Be that were paying attention to just make you better.

Three days ago, I arrived home from work to hear that you were gone.

I know that you are in that better place that everyone talks about. I know that you're not hurting anymore. I know that you're happy to not be connected to all those tubes and wires anymore, because they just pissed you off. More than anything, I know that you're happy to be with your equally awesome husband, Art, and your beautiful daughter, Susan, again.

But that doesn't make it any easier for us down here. We miss you. Deeply.

I'm not entirely sure how Hotty Hubby is taking it. You know him, he's stoic. I know he's hurting, I just don't think he knows how to express that. Maybe I need to take him to the shooting range and let him blow crap away.

Boy Spawn doesn't fully understand the whole concept of death. He knows you're gone, he knows he won't see you again, but I think that's as far as it goes right now.

Girl Spawn? Well. She crumbled. You and her always had a very special relationship. I never fully understood the connection between the two of you, but I knew it was amazing. The two of you were...well, fantastic. She cried. A lot. She misses you so much and, like the rest of us, wishes she had been able to say goodbye.

As for me, it doesn't quite seem real to me. Or maybe I just don't want it to be. I continue to process, I continue to cry and I continue to wish it were all a dream.

Beth, you were an awesome woman who made us all laugh and smile. You gave the best hugs, some great advice and even taught me a few things. I hope that wherever you are, you're with Art & Susan and looking down on us. I'm sure that if you are, you're sitting there thinking "well, shit......that boy needs to shave, Maggie's lookin' good, and the kids are as bouncy as ever".

Rest in Peace, Mama Beth......we'll miss you forever. xxx

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